Apathy

I've spent several years
completing one project
then jumping
right into the next.
People tell me to rest
but that IS my rest...
or recreation, at least.

Motivation and efficiency
mean I've just finished three
all at once,
unexpectedly:
wrote a book,
completed Duolingo,
made 100 Christmas cards
(yes, in August).
Now unusually,
I'm at a loss—
there are other things pending
but I have a serious case
of the 'I don't want to's.

It's become hard to write.
My new college course
and next book
seem too overwhelming to start.
Returning to work
just looks draining.
Right now, this evening,
dishes need washing,
laundry needs sorting,
hamster needs cleaning out
and my mind just says NO.

Despite a whole lifetime
spent battling my brain,
the warning signs change.
When younger, I'd notice
bad days bleeding into bad nights
and know things were going downhill.
Large mood swings,
reduced concentration
and trouble getting work done
were all par for the course.
Now it's 'I don't want to'...
as in REALLY don't want to.

Could I, if I pushed myself?
I really don't know.
I should take a test
to see where I'm at
but I can't manage that either.

So for now, I just sit here,
motionless.