The chain of pills

I dont want to be on drugs forever
I know my wants don't matter anymore
My blood would kill me the moment I stop
My mind would spiral down to the darkest depths
So I swallow the pills... Of various unlovely colors
Colors of off dark greens, pale browns and sickly egg shell white
They stick to my tongue and cause my face to scrunch up in disgust
I know they make them nasty on purpose  
It's so you don't enjoy taking them
But I'll be taking this drug the rest of my life
And who the fuck would take blood thinners for fun
Couldn't they make these pills taste like nothing instead?
I wish I could go to sleep without ten pills
They want me to tell them they're working
They want to take my blood and run tests  
To see if the chains of pills are holding the beasts at bay
I don't know why I'm fighting my body
To chemically weaken my blood to that point
where it can't attack itself over and over again
My body contains a war no one can see
And my gods I'm so tired of the fighting  
Because if it weren't for those who love me
I'd let the beasts in my blood take me
It's exhausting fighting a fight when I daydream about dying
Grew up with two kids who died of brain aneurysms  
Can you imagine that? Hearing about two people just dropping dead
They didn't suffer; they just dropped dead
One while taking a shower; his mother found his body
One while he was asleep; his mother also found him
It's the death you'd hope for for my condition
I read about catastrophic blood clotting events
Where just out of the blue your blood curdles  
Your organs just fill with masses of blood
And it's slow... And painful way to meet death
And I don't know how to stop the nightmares
Of the destruction in my chest that left me screaming in pain
Of feeling my lung decaying in my chest
The pain of my heart being thrown so off my heart beat isn't the same
The very idea of having more than one?
Rampaging and breaking the narrow veins in a body
Tearing them open and making you bleed inside  
Blood clots cause so much damage that you never see
I'll never see the damage that lives inside my chest
And those scars will never go away or fade
My lung is better but I will never breathe the the way I did
If I cry too much, sob just a bit too hard
My chest hurts in such a way it's impossible to describe
And it reminds me of the chains of pills
That keep the blood clots at bay
Beasts of blood that just want to kill me
Held back by pills the colors of off dark green, pale browns and sickly eggshell white