Pity Leaves Me Wounded

Rough mate. Nicely done, to empathise is to be human, to be human is to suffer...

and caused 'my' shame: easier into the next line 'why' the cutback rhyme helps people know where they are.
The first half is quite smooth, the second is a bit lumpy, long, short, long etc
a bit washing machine.


If I were smart
this pity that engenders
blots upon my name
lacerates my body, my soul
would for preservation’s sake
forgo.

I'd match the meter in the first a bit more as its quite short ( arguably a good thing) so it helps to have bit of uniformity.
but is personal preference.
is nice.
Mike

Thanks for your comments.

But what you've done in this rewrite  

If I were smart
this pity that engenders
blots upon my name
lacerates my body, my soul
would for preservation’s sake
forgo.

is to make the meter of  L 3 very clunky (LACerATES my BODy, MY SOUL).   and to ignore that the first line of this verse is a circumstantial clause so that what you've done in eliminating the pronoun "I" is to make "pity" the subject of "forgo"

I would say you don't need every pronoun,  
the reader is there, whether they like it or not carried from the first I and (alot of) mys...

apologies on a re'write it was just easier than explaining the differences in meter between verses.
Is nice mate.