loneliness has many names

Some days the best I can do
is define this loneliness as fear
fear of a world I can’t see
can’t imagine
and don’t know how to plan for

Not that I’m much of a planner
I’m too impatient
too spontaneous
too much like a leaf in the wind
to put down roots
and call this moment home

I’m almost always somewhere else
unless I’m creating
(or listening to my son giggle)
I have to force moments
where I can just be
not someplace passed
or someplace yet to come

And I forgot today
for a few small hours
how lonely it is inside my head
as we laughed at stupid jokes
and talked about things
that couldn’t be sad if we tried

I spend too many days sad
I spend too many days tired
I spend too many days wanting more
from my time
and finding dissatisfaction
and disappoint in the corners of every room
that watch over in silent judgement
of myself

I fear these failings will define me
I fear this depression will never lift
I fear the racing of my own heart
that tastes like an on coming panic attack
and feels just as bad

And I wish I could escape
the way I drown myself
but I’m still learning how to swim
and I fear my strength to survive
as much as I fear that these dark days
will never end

Some days the best I can do
is define this loneliness as fear
in the hopes that if I give it a name
I’ll diminish its power

© Indie Adams 2022