Taming the beast

I first encountered the beast in '82
when it barged, unwanted, into my life.
Just five at the time, I know not why
it chose to pick a fight with me,
but I've been doing battle ever since.
I cannot bear to say its name,
but if you've known it, you will know.
 
A forty-year struggle
involving much trial and experiment  
has yielded pseudo-stability;  
fewer outright crises, but  
more recurrences that sneak up on me,  
feel like the Real Thing  
in all of its horror,  
then fizzle out  
a few weeks later.  
 
That's amazing to witness,  
but terrifying to contemplate:  
devastation, elation,  
desperation and hope  
mingling dizzily—  
not during the same month,  
but simultaneously.