flashback

this song takes me to where I began. I don't think you understand how many nights i spent curled up in bed, convinced i was alone, trying to die in my sleep. skipping razors across my wrist and wiping it away with kleenex. crying tears i allowed nobody to see. I remember nights looking up my deadly cocktail. what cocktail could the medicine cabinet make me tonight? to put me to sleep for the rest of my life. I remember the blood dripping up through super-ficial cuts. make-shift bandages and stained sleeves. the nails against my skin trying hard to prove to myself there was something underneath. I remember thinking I was fat, I look back and see a flat stomach, but there's no going back. I remember long things on hot days, i remember anxiety creeping under my sleeves. I remember bed edges and dangling legs. broken razors and skipped meals. I remember the night I almost puked. mix two days of nothing and chug the caffiene down to stay alive for school. hide in bathroom stalls, and avoid the teachers. Homework doesn't matter when you don't plan to stick around, right? You don't gotta eat if all you do is sleep, right? Drink water to counteract the tears. sleep to avoid the feelings. i still cared about school, but it didn't care about me. last three weeks I was eating by a toilet. eating a bite of sandwhich and imagining my stomach shrink. everyone was laughing at me in the hallways. couldn't walk anywhere without turning their gossip to me. atleast i thought they were talking about me, but I was too far gone to be part of their talking
I wanted to end myself, see the damage
i wanted to end myself blood dripping, i wanted to drown myself
blanket wrapping around my neck it was pure novelty
crawling under blankets and planning all the ways i could end this feeling

this was a song. this was 4am in the morning. this was radios playing while i hid under covers. hidden razors in books and arms being covered.