Pointing Fingers

Foreword:: This is a piece i wrote many years ago. I have found a box of old journals and had the want to share this
  
Fuck the rhythm  
and fuck the rhyme    
It's been years since I've written    
but I'm so sick of comparing and thinking about time    
But since I'm on the subject  
let's talk about time    
how its going too fast    
and I keep getting skipped in line    
   
How I give it my all  
and work until I'm numb  
fake smiling through it all  
waiting on my miracle to come    
but it never arrives    
and my days end in a deep defeated breath  
trying to retrace the years    
full of regret on how i cheated myself    
the years that mattered most    
I can vaguely recall    
fucked off the good grades, the opportunities, the chances    
I threw away it all  
   
Conditioned to my little bubble of a world    
created by a shell of a woman who couldn't feel    
who took on the responsibility of life but couldn't find it in her heart to try  
and left us from day one  
to our own devices to deal    
   
Poor me  
Poor me  
Pour me another round    
here I go again, spilling my guts    
over the peace I've never found    
   
Blaming my mother    
for the love she never gave  
for letting me race towards my demons    
instead of fighting to keep them at bay  
for normalizing toxic love, putting all those men before us  
when my brother and I should've been enough  
growing up thinking we needed to be desperate for love    
breaking that pattern has proven to be tough    
I want you to know that you have a hand in all this    
every fucked up red flag we let continue to fly  
my brother lives in a fantasy world he has created to escape    
and i cant tell the difference between a using piece of shit and an actual decent guy  
   
Okay, I'm starting to talk shit  
I dont wanna talk shit  
I guess you gave the "mom " thing all you could at the time  
...Right??..  
You should've gave it your all  
you selfish fucken coward  
and here I am again looking for another rhyme    
   
Life Life Life  
ain't it a funny thing  
just going through the motions until a hiccup  
then you find yourself pointing fingers.. looking for someone to blame