I want to be real

I want to be real. My face from the inside, almost always, like, a lot of percent, feels like eyes looking out from a man's face. Like that is what I'm looking out from behind, and even though I know it's not real, like the red hot iron mask which disfigures the outside, causing resultant disfigurement on the inside. I hate it bad but it's just habit, just not staying background focused enough. That's the trick, and I haven't trained myself yet well enough, so im always falling down around myself over it. That's how i live. Trying to train myself to allow my own face, my own eyes, instead of sad, scared, or angry eyes and a man's face imprinted by lifetime of ugly messages from without. Trying not to let sadness over it cause me to lose my shit, repeatedly. I want my face to be real. We are beautiful inside. Will you hold my hand?