deepundergroundpoetry.com
TWO SPIRITS FREE
Upon a whim
to midnight swim,
two spirits free
went down to sea,
to a place where
they could go bare.
The swimming nude
put them in mood.
Once they'd rewarmed,
the passions stormed.
They ended up
sharing a tup
behind a dune
in light of moon,
the tidal sound
their moanings drowned.
to midnight swim,
two spirits free
went down to sea,
to a place where
they could go bare.
The swimming nude
put them in mood.
Once they'd rewarmed,
the passions stormed.
They ended up
sharing a tup
behind a dune
in light of moon,
the tidal sound
their moanings drowned.
Published 21st Jun 2022
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25th Jun 2022 7:51am
First, I have to confess that rhyming couplets make me read in a very sing-song style, so that's always interesting when it comes to erotica. Pieces like this always feel like cheek to me, and I rather suspect they're supposed to, so I hope that is compliment rather than off putting.
There's a part that I particularly like, that made me grin when I saw it:
two spirits free
went down to sea,
That play on words, where the mind can make it "sea" or "see" is such a great little touch.
There are a couple of places where the rhythm and reading could be tweaked to my ear, so I thought I'd mention that for consideration:
to a place where --- you have a little grouping of "to" and "two" before this line, and I think this would still sound nice without the "to"... so the lines would read: went down to sea / a place where / they could go bare
The swimming nude
put them in mood. --- my brain/ear really wants either "a" or "the" before mood. I'd lean towards "a" because of "the" on the previous line
Once they'd rewarmed,
the passions stormed. --- this sentence would be nice without a full stop here ending the thought, so: Once they'd rewarmed, and passions stormed, they... etc
Just a few thoughts to consider, and I hope you don't mind that I played in your words a bit. This was a fun little ditty, and I mostly wanted you to know that I "sea" what you did there. :-)
There's a part that I particularly like, that made me grin when I saw it:
two spirits free
went down to sea,
That play on words, where the mind can make it "sea" or "see" is such a great little touch.
There are a couple of places where the rhythm and reading could be tweaked to my ear, so I thought I'd mention that for consideration:
to a place where --- you have a little grouping of "to" and "two" before this line, and I think this would still sound nice without the "to"... so the lines would read: went down to sea / a place where / they could go bare
The swimming nude
put them in mood. --- my brain/ear really wants either "a" or "the" before mood. I'd lean towards "a" because of "the" on the previous line
Once they'd rewarmed,
the passions stormed. --- this sentence would be nice without a full stop here ending the thought, so: Once they'd rewarmed, and passions stormed, they... etc
Just a few thoughts to consider, and I hope you don't mind that I played in your words a bit. This was a fun little ditty, and I mostly wanted you to know that I "sea" what you did there. :-)
Thank you. When I thought this poem up I chose my words to give each line the same number of syllables, a challenge I often set myself. I would change words as long as they leave that arrangement intact.
The lines:
Once they'd rewarmed,
their passions stormed
was written to make it sequential, when you reflect they would have been cooled down while in the water.
The lines:
Once they'd rewarmed,
their passions stormed
was written to make it sequential, when you reflect they would have been cooled down while in the water.
