I Learned to Laugh
I learned to laugh...
When I tried to type my poem that day and I couldn't feel my hand.
When I dropped something because my hands were too weak to hold on and I knew my frustration would lead to self-loathing.
When the group texting stopped because I voiced my opinion because I found my voice again.
When I tried to explain what it felt like to be on my first date at fifty-three because I couldn't remember yesterday.
When I hit 21 surgeries in 2021.
When the one scar that people would finally see was the most jagged.
When I tripped on the sidewalk because my mind was too preoccupied with dialogue.
When my social awkwardness was apparent to make others feel at ease.
When the pain from all those medical procedures and recovery from all those surgeries threatened to overwhelm me.
When having 19 specialists was even too ridiculous for me.
When the children in my life innocently asked if I was expecting because I was so morbidly obese.
When the person I thought was a regular in the psych unit recognized me on the street as a regular.
When Senior he said my bucket had a hole in it when I told him I was doing my bucket list and the air threatened to leave my lungs.
When the memories of our friendship continued to fade as we talked about our inside jokes and I couldn't find the words.
When Senior he said, "you are not a normal fifty year old."
When they stopped inviting me places because my income became so low.
When they still didn't invite me places even though I could pay for myself now.
When he didn't want to hear the reasons why I had feelings for him because his wounds were too deep.
When he asked me what the reason was that we began to banter in the first place was because he knew I couldn't remember and I didn't
When the sadness of times lost became so overwhelming and I thought I would never survive.
When losing over 100 pounds didn't give me the body I thought I would have and I just had to shake my head for fear of it exploding.
When I couldn't explain that my lack of understanding our communication keeps you at a distance although you are seated across from me.
I learned to laugh when I found a reason to, because I realize that all those times beforehand were just practice for when I wanted to.
And I am grateful.