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the tiny people dancing in my mind
The people whisper and dance,
hear a song of incandescent flowers
swaying with the wind,
my blood coils to the resolute rhythm;
skin vibrating to restless hums,
mouth watering to the beat
watch my feet sit obediently
on the street of solemn sounds;
profound is my head as the dancing parades
through my skull
and the sound echoes...
of tiny beings
seeing none other than the fleeting secretion of music notes
following the notes of the beating;
And though my body aches,
shakes her pores,
to join those swaying figures
beyond the doors of mine own mind;
Instead I'll sit and smile,
such a mild suggestion
Instead my legs sit firmly in place,
adhering restlessly to empty faces
pacing restlessly from empty spaces;
But dance my fingers do,
tap to a nuzzled beast,
and my brain feasts and lives and dreams there.
hear a song of incandescent flowers
swaying with the wind,
my blood coils to the resolute rhythm;
skin vibrating to restless hums,
mouth watering to the beat
watch my feet sit obediently
on the street of solemn sounds;
profound is my head as the dancing parades
through my skull
and the sound echoes...
of tiny beings
seeing none other than the fleeting secretion of music notes
following the notes of the beating;
And though my body aches,
shakes her pores,
to join those swaying figures
beyond the doors of mine own mind;
Instead I'll sit and smile,
such a mild suggestion
Instead my legs sit firmly in place,
adhering restlessly to empty faces
pacing restlessly from empty spaces;
But dance my fingers do,
tap to a nuzzled beast,
and my brain feasts and lives and dreams there.
Published 19th Mar 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
20th Mar 2012 4:18am
I think you have the guts of a real cracker of a write here.
I love the words you are using to express yourself with.
i feel the first three lines are a little confusing though and the absence of line breaks sort of takes from the full potential of the write.
i also like the rhyme scheme you have going on, though i would suggest you find a different word for restless on this line :
pacing restlessly from empty spaces
or the one above it.
That said , i like the way you think and write.
welcome and best of luck.
I love the words you are using to express yourself with.
i feel the first three lines are a little confusing though and the absence of line breaks sort of takes from the full potential of the write.
i also like the rhyme scheme you have going on, though i would suggest you find a different word for restless on this line :
pacing restlessly from empty spaces
or the one above it.
That said , i like the way you think and write.
welcome and best of luck.
Anonymous
- Edited 21st Mar 2012 9:43am
21st Mar 2012 9:41am
I once wrote a story about Tiny People in someone's head... but not relevant lol.
This piece has so many beautiful lines. Though I had to read it a couple of times to get the feel for it. I love the first three lines, though would maybe have used a different word other than blood in the fourth, as when I first read it, I saw boils, not coils, though that might just be my bad for reading what I think I'm going to see instead of what is there.
I got a little confused towards the end, and would avoid the repetition of the words "restlessly" and "instead". They jar the flow.
But otherwise a really cool poem. Great use of words. I love unusual imagery and you use it well. :)
Peace... Indie
This piece has so many beautiful lines. Though I had to read it a couple of times to get the feel for it. I love the first three lines, though would maybe have used a different word other than blood in the fourth, as when I first read it, I saw boils, not coils, though that might just be my bad for reading what I think I'm going to see instead of what is there.
I got a little confused towards the end, and would avoid the repetition of the words "restlessly" and "instead". They jar the flow.
But otherwise a really cool poem. Great use of words. I love unusual imagery and you use it well. :)
Peace... Indie
