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The Cindy Chronicles Entry #16

May 7, 2021 - I am starting to think that along with too many memories, I have too many men in my life, but I don't want to give any of them up. I remember trying to explain to Pam that I can give myself fully to Gervace because I am getting all of my needs met. It's not his fault that he doesn't meet all of my needs. I wish he did, I love him. I love Xavier, but he doesn't want to fulfill all of my needs. I haven't played around with Bernard in a while, but he's a friend and I enjoy him. And now there is Maurice, sexy, dangerous Maurice living with his woman in my building. I told Natalya at my last counseling session that I'm entertaining the thought of having sex with a woman. She cocked her head to the side and said, "not bisexual." I told her that most of it has to do with what the person has to offer and I'm just interested in exploring. As a sexologist, she said she could tell that about me. But basically, it's all bullshit. I really just want that one person that's going to rock my world. Until then, I'm interested in having fun and enjoying people.

Natalya asked me what I got out of these relationships.

"Gervace is a kind man and my desires are his desires. He tells me of his fantasies about me and they are all scenarios of him pleasuring me. Sometimes we kiss for hours. I have climaxed from him kissing my shoulders. He is a master kisser. He is a master at oral pleasure. I have multiple orgasms with Vace. He longs to take care of me and he is generous with the compliments. He is my companion. I feel secure with him."

"Xavier is the love of my life. He fulfills my sexual needs and sex with him is exhilarating. I love providing therapy to Xavier, I climax instantly. Many times I will do only that by choice although he is a master lover. He is the best at penetration and knows my body better than I do. He is patient and knows I like exquisite pain. I get aroused just looking at Xavier."

"Bernard has a dangerous side underneath his friendliness and I'm attracted to that. I love providing therapy to Bernard. He is also patient and encouraging. He is a good listener and offers good advice. We are similar creatures. He excites me."

"Maurice is exciting and I'm attracted to him. He is a master at oral pleasuring and an excellent kisser. I love his pet names for me and his sweet talk. He spanks me and he knows I like it rough. I may not have sex with him again, but I'm open to the possibility."

Xavier, Bernard and Maurice are all bald and large, muscular men. The type of man I am attracted to. They could all be brothers. I consider them my play partners. Vace is my main man and he is of average build and height. He has everything I want in a man except I am not attracted to him. It is a cruel joke the universe is playing on me, this conundrum I have.

I was at the lab yesterday and hit on the phlebotomist. She said her name was Jo, short for Josephine. She rubbed my arm a few times and I was almost bold enough to ask for her number, but she said something about, "our kids," and I didn't. But I was damn close. She was a gorgeous raven-haired beauty with perfectly manicured nails and long tapered fingers. Her waist was smaller than mine and for the first time, I wondered what it would feel like to hold another woman's waist.

I haven't opened "The Ethical Slut," the book Natalya had me get, since February 10th and I probably should. She said it may help me with my conflicted values surrounding polyamory, because that's what this is. At least, that's what Natalya says it is and I'm going with that because it sounds a lot better than cheating.
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