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Image for the poem Canary Row - part 6

Canary Row - part 6

It was just one of those stupid things that occasionally show up as a blip on the Doppler. It seems as if a herd of zombies was migrating toward our community. "A herd is usually a hoofed bein' an' ah had no idea eff'n a zombie wore shoes." Zombies were seasonable and a nuisance like an allergy.  
 
Off in the distance, one could hear them coming. The ground trembling like t thunder as the Energizer Bunny banged the damn drum.  
 
It is not mah fust rodeo wif zombies. They are obnoxious, pickin' at their nose in public. "It's a dadburn shame thet th' A&W sarves them, dawgone it. Some customers be hankerin' t'take se'fies wif igno'ant mo'ons. Ah doesn't suffer fools."
 
The women's aux, soiled doves were our first line of defense. The hens were not laying due to the scare and bearing no eggs.    
 
Ma says thet hoss apples (hoss poop) repel insecks, cockroaches, spiders, an' even fleas. It is said thet yo' kin put one unner yer bed an' it will last two t'three months in close surroun'in's. Ah rub it on mah bald spot t'ward off th' plague."
 
"Meanwhile, Pa was obsessed wif his 10 li'l piggies an' th' smelly gunk (toe jam) thet nestled between his toes. Ma used it t'fertilize her prickly pears."  
 
Too much Dr. Pepper was causin' (RD) reptile discombobulation Not only thet but mah fo'eskin had rootrot an' mah testicles were doin' th' hokey-pokey an' tostin' all about.  
 
Then Eunice tried t'excite me by takin' me to a po'n flick. It was all subtext in Mongolian an' th' rice was dried out at th' canteen kiosk. Also had t'hide our haids on account o' ma too pa thar an' his catheter busted loose, scootin' up th' aisle.
 
The outside turlet on wheels was putting out an offensive odor, so I moved it downwind, as ma was screaming from inside. I was pulled over by the State Police for not showing a license place.
 
Yesterday, I almost kaput someone as I came close to shooting him with my sidearm. A newly issued fully automatic dowser rod. The idiot was on his knees eating a cracker and sipping grape juice in the cemetery.  "Lucky fo' him th' dadburn thin' locked up as ah pulled th' trigger."
 
He told me he was takin' communion wif his wife who passed goal an' hadn't collecked her 200 dollars. "Ah have nevah heard sech BS in all mah life, on account o' mah granny had."    
 
The golf cart is in the repair shop, so I was assigned to the trailer park backhoe. I had to give chase to an old fart in a runaway electric walker who parked in a spot reserved for Red Foley at the spa. I felt sort of  bad for cuffing him and reading his rights. He said that he turned 85 a day ago. His wife had left him for some silly ass chicken-wearing hose.  
  
adagio
Written by adagio
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