When a whimper deafened the room

I don't know you well enough to 'hey motherfucker' at you, but honestly, I don't care. This got me excited enough to just HM at you.

HEY MOTHERFUCKER! Yes! This is some hard-balls shit, and I dig it!

I'm going to give you some execution suggestions. The content is so good I want to scream. That hard, dark edge that makes us the same amount of ruthless and careless with our own lives. That's the good stuff.

"Unable to move :: Two things: Start with a dick-punch. Instead of 'unable to move' see if you like 'incapacitated... or fucking incapacitated'
                                :: omit all punctuation and use your capitalization and spacing like a weapon::
fetal on the floor LOVE
stench of a vomitus puddle LOVE

::consider some creative execution in the next few lines::

Twitching
thinking
this is not even an overdose

Legs spasming as eyes jitter :: match your tenses you have twitching... thinking... spasiming... so it's jittering::
Even unconsciousness
It seems has fleed the scene ::delete "it seems and make it active. Also, spelling, fled. Also, think about moving this down and getting the most for your money with the body descriptions:
Each breath
A laboured task
Weezing through cracked ribs :: wheezing::

Spinal cord severed
or attached to red hot pokers : instead of this, make it a simile or metaphor. Use figurative language like lube:


Kill me ::YAAAASSS! So good!::
Sounded out in morse code
Tears
Screaming.
.

The Betty edit -- as always, keep what you dig and throw every other piece of advice in the shitter.

Incapacitated,
save for the way my
eye jitter

twitching, fetal on the floor
stench of my own puke
burning my thoughts,

which scream:
This is not even an overdose

I twitch,
legs spasming,
hot pokers
marking where my
spinal cord used to connect,
breath wheezing through
cracked
ribs

But unconsciousness,
it seems,
has fled the scene.

My body screams

<i>Kill me</i>

Taps it  out
in morse code
against the
cold floor  

Good stuff man, and feel free to tell me to fuck off.!

Actually I appreciate the honest criticism
If time allows I'll give it an edit
About 5 to 10 was how long this took

Thank you for the read and comment

Your writings I have hard time understanding

Where 2 without 3?

2 questions
1 why read them, not saying  I don't appreciate the read.
2 why not ask me

Because of years of asking questions and always being fed riddles and doubletalk from people
I lost hope of believing anyone speaks clear anymore.

This was about me laying on the floor in severe pain.