Microcosm

too many decades
spider veins
permanent scars
rejection
trauma
failure
alienation
loneliness
barriers
defenses
unwanted memories
deep-seated insecurities
deaths of relatives
no
deaths of friends
no
so very many ways to die
NO
don't think about it

why didn't i stand up for myself
seven years ago
stupid bitch principal
thinks she's so cute with her jeans and scrunchies
why was i afraid of marriage
what might my life have been
i didn't have children
not even one!
why can't i stop eating sugar
what the fuck is wrong with me
why am i so irritable
and critical
why can't i be more zen
if i don't become more zen
i might have a heart attack
or stroke
or cancer
or a car accident
those things could all happen anyway
no matter what i do
there are so many ways to be hurt
no
so many losses
no
so many ways to die
NO
don't think about it

remember that moody blues concert
at red rocks
half your life ago
you swore to yourself that there must be a deity
playing through the band
celestial music
one big party
and you sulked
self conscious
furious at the boyfriend
you clearly never should have been with
everyone around you danced ecstatically
that party's gone forever
could have been the time of your life
there won't be another chance
soon you might be injured
no
unable to dance
no
maybe even dead
no
there's so many ways to die
NO
ways you haven't even thought of
NO
NO NO NO
don't think about it

perhaps i owe a debt of gratitude
to the annoying neighbors
in my microcosm of neurosis
i suppose i could move
dive deep into therapy
get them to leave
but they are useful
with their incessant chatter
drowning out the loud knocking
of the grim reaper
and his many, many friends