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Torn (Video)

(I'm currently in the process of writing a new book that will feature the majority of my recent yet former writing as well as all new poetry with descriptions/inspiration and insight into what may have inspired various poems and an in depth look at my point of view on various topics of discussion from politics to faith and personal struggles as well as dealing with loss. Each poem will include original edited photography that will be characteristic of the overall mood of each individual poem.)

Torn

Is it best if I keep this part of my heart a secret from you?

To pretend I am still lovely despite the ugly
the reality of me

When honesty feels like bearing all of the parts
you donít really want to see
Trying to play dead to conscience till it doesnít bother me
like playing chicken with a spiritual death penalty

This is what it is to live in bondage to nature
as I overdose on flesh again
When it's a high that makes me hate myself
Öthe abuse of my desire

This temple I subjugate to shadows and strange fire

Making more or less the consequence of sin
I fight to rest in my redemption, as to die to pleasure or within
I'll say what you donít want to hear
but I fear it brings into question what you do

When integrity is my broken attempt to confirm the words, I love you

God forbid I've proven my humanity
that needs no evidence to say I'm desperate for grace

Holiness is my intention but my kiss is the way I spit upon your face


Christ in the mirror
and at my bedside
betrayed
Lord, Lord
will you know me
or in vain
will I have spoken
every prayer
that Iíve prayed?

Contending with my doubts in my will to understand
loves reply to the horror, the boasting magnitude of man


Choking on these gag reflex serenades
I regurgitate and swallow
torn between a sweeter meditation versus the ways in which I wallow

Self-disgust, this lust, tell me the truth about me
to plea both my guilt and your blood
to be forgiven, captive and yet free

Barely holding onto hope
Torn between the me I hate and my identity...

Inspiration: This among many other of my poems is centered on the premise of the underlying shame that lurks inside my heart as a result of a lifelong lust addiction Iíve struggled with since I was a child. Iíd like to say this is a testimony of the past but truth be told for me itís like cigarettes, Iíve had moments where it seemed I could resist for a certain measure of time but still have found myself returning to the same self-destructive behavior patterns. So much comes to my mind on what can be said in regards to the reality of pornography being such a common thing in todayís society, and perhaps the greatest issue related to the dark reality of it is that generally itís not taken seriously enough as a social issue. All I can say is I know firsthand the psychological ramifications such an addiction can have on a person and the way it hurts relationships and hinders intimacy. In many ways what Iíve been through gives me insight into the damage but limits my ability to be an authority on what prolonged victory over it looks like or how to achieve said endeavor. All I know is any time Iíve confessed it to my wife in my aim to be honest with her about it and clear my conscience I see the heartbreak in her eyes and that reinforces my desire to keep fighting no matter how many times Iíve failed in this area.
cloventongue89
Written by cloventongue89 (Nathaniel Peter)
Published
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