infidelity

Dear B,

Brilliant and oh so relatable. Your inclusion of the minutiae in thought process and laying those tracks of doubt and second guessing yourself speaks to so many. Outstanding write. xo
H🌷

good morning beautiful Honoria I hate thinking this way but it's there none the less it made me ache the thoughts but instead of picking at him I wrote about it... thank you graciously for your understanding and comment 💕

Ya know....

I had these expectations....and everything was going to BE perfect.

And then.....reality hit like a grenade.

I would have said ZERO CHANCE. And then it hit me 100%.

But
....I know I cannot predict someone else's humanity. I hate that. It crushes me. But, I have to live in a world where people do shitty stuff.

So....I am not a victim. I am a volunteer. As long as I'm learning about myself, I'm not in the worst slot.

It's not Shangrala....but it's not hell.  I try to understand the larger dynamic. And, I think to myself....I'm my own person. I am surviving life on my own terms.

I don't want to say Better the demons I know than the angels I don't.  

What want to say is, regardless....I'll feel every human emotion. Rather than centering on perfecting my experience, I'll dine on nuance.

I've spent this time working on myself. She gave up someone who worshipped her for someone who used, abused, and tossed her aside. My experience was being taken for granted and being abandoned.

Until I understood.

My experience was seeing the human condition. My poetry reflects it. My friendships reflect it. I'm not perfect by any means.

It may blow up in my face and I get trashed.

But....if I connect with someone again.. the me they'll get will be so much more of me than I ever had to give before. I got crushed. But it released me.

So, yeah. It sucked. We both lost out. But, what I gained was so much more. Now.. kissing is an olympic event.  Holding hands is cosmic. Cuddling is.....touching is...looking directly into another's eyes is....smell, taste, proximity....

I don't take any of it for granted. Losing intimacy is gut wrenching.

So, yeah...

hello dearest RT I see what you mean I have intimacy issues and I don't know why... I am fine with sex but I won't cuddle it makes me uncomfortable if I lose him it will be from a lack of that kind of thing he's a great guy and I guess I know deep down he deserves the best... all of it... it's just going to kill me to lose him if I do...I try to open up but something is broken in me and I tense up inside when he tries to cuddle and stuff with me...we've been together twenty five years and still I have issues...I don't want another but the possibility of me being what he needs really is slim...I don't think I would go with another if we should go separate ways...thank you for sharing your perspective with me ❤️

That is not abnormal in the spectrum of human expression. Ferreting it out is a private matter we could take to PM.

I'll say this much. It's not about a specific behavior. All of it is in the mind. It's about how we feel about what is in our mind.

Being intimate avoidant, for example, is a biochemical predisposition. Some people like X, for some that's a deal breaker.

What you describe is an override. Memory is built on thresholds. If a maximum threshold is reached, a trauma or shame or biochemical event, that reaction trigger is set. Undoing that may never happen. It's not about logic. It's not a lack of love. It's a neurological override of choice. Not unlike a brainwashing event.

There are two ways to flip it. One, a more traumatic event. Two, a substitution.

The second one is the selection of choice.  Substitute something of equal value. What is equal to a hug or cuddle? Support, praise, reaffirmation, backup, favorites, memories,  handmade gifts, the point is to not just leave a hole....slam, bam, thank you Sam.

That lingering sense of connection. It's still biochemical. Same system. Sing a song.  Write a note. Dance. Making food is problematic or vices.

The point.  Provide something in the same context. Don't merely turn over. You are enough.  Bright. Beautiful. Giving, creative. Spiritual. Who you are is enough.

Hugging or talking intimately are types of desert. Substitute.

Study Attachment Theory. Not only childhood but relationship.

All is not lost... reframe and adjust.

I think every female in a relationship has felt this way. I know
I have with my hubby. He is a flirt by nature. Flirts with everybody!!
He just has that way about him. It used to bother me but not anymore.
I've never had that suspicion - he still looks at me like when we
were in high school.

But make no mistake - I will always have a plan B, C, etc.

Usually our guts are right.
When things got hard between us we started doing date night.
We've gotten out of the habit lately - a lot going with our move.
I know it sounds corny but we needed to make the time
to try and reconnect. Marriage is not easy. It takes work and communication.
Even if it is something you don't want to hear.

Rooting for ya - you are amazing - we all have things we struggle with:)

Sending positive energy Crim...

I like how you took the innocence of counting petals but dealt the harsh reality of infidelity. It's a tough spot to be in, knowing that it's just as difficult to forgive, understanding that things have been tainted and wondering if it will happen again.

Thought provoking write.