HIV - 92    (1992, Galveston Island, Texas)

5 a m
lost  adrift
here again
in the wee hours
of early morning
im not surprised
at all
for its not
the first night
nor first time
outer and inner traumas
have combined
to link up into
these heavy
knotted chains
ive stayed up
all night
feeling unable
to set myself free from
much less
sufficiently describe
unable to unlock
break or escape
until hour after hour
of all these
nights without sleep
have all lapsed
slipped sleeplessly away
without any
restorative rest
cruelly abandoned
left only with
its restless ghost
as clock faces
meaningless
motion and changes
seemed only
merciless reminders
hanging on the wall
there in the darkness
behind me
like a ticking
mask of deaths
steady march
there only
to haunt me
as each nights
still lifeless hours
so glacially
passed away
and all sense
of space and time
for me
fainted then faded
surreally away
or was it
only me
lapsing into
desperate  corpselike
escapist comas again
wherein
i often felt
like the last
and only person
still left here
in this world
zombie like
on my feet
whether sitting down
or standing up
so many countless
nights had passed
or were painfully
transcended
my sense of being
completely lost
somewhere in
the four inch space
between
hopeless gaze
of my tortured face
reflected in
and staring
right back out
at me
through the voiceless
neutral silence
and devastatingly shocking
increasingly
deteriorating
fear filled
death mask
visage seen
in my bathroom mirrors
unspoken
yet undeniable
blatant truth revealed
each night
there in its blind
tomb like space
a numbing zone
of so much built up
self suppressed
inexpressible
pent up
inner anger
of so much futile
hopeless sorrow
fear and doubt
where id get stuck
in the crippling realization
that i could not
come  nor get
any closer  nor clearer
to me myself
to this unspeakable thing
i have become
but could only get
more hopelessly lost
there in my
shell shocked stare
my fate seemingly
resigned
to only perpetually
standing there
in front of
my late night
bathroom mirror
for untold nights
again and again
perhaps until
i can stand no more
gazing off
into this empty
lifeless void
ive somehow now
become
where all language
words  understanding
and meaning
seem to have
completely failed
yet somehow  
here now tonight
i seem to subtly  
sense  feel
find and take
at least
some slight degree
of the strangest
inner comfort in
simply just accepting
all this
as i continue
to slip away
getting even further
lost
in my transfixed
sleepless
late night
wee hours gaze
as i suddenly seem
and appear
to be more quickly
disappearing here
right before
my tired  tired eyes
where surrendered now
deeper still
inside i go
to wander this dark
lonesome  lightless
empty
lifeless
inner desert
of my struggling
wearied souls
ever ripening hunger
to simply
just let go
of all these continued
lost to zero
unbearably long
desperately hopeless
nights
of this frail
self tortured
lost  to zero
semi ghost  
ive already now
become
and at present
apparently still am
though mostly
in the sense
that year
after year
here i still am
all by myself
alone again
just as i ve almost
always been
throughout
most of my life
thus far
so all i can
really do
at this point
is to simply
continue
to pray
for myself
to finally
at long last
be alone
like this
no
more