Step Off

 
i say i want to get better  
but do i actually really?  
i don’t want your help  
at least that’s how i act  
i don’t do anything  
that you suggest  
like sleep hygiene  
or a gratitude journal  
self-forgiveness or  
various prescriptions  
in-patient treatment  
group therapy for ED’s  
unused hotlines for  
weekend emergencies  
or discussing my needs  
desires expectations  
and boundaries  
with my life partner  
 
i don’t even speak up  
to my significant other  
when i need more help  
and then you ask me  
to try meditating?  
it’s just laughable  
makes my food  
hardly palatable  
practicing restriction  
the art of resistance  
more than poignant  
religious rebellion  
i pull my hood up and  
down over my eyes  
draped in shadows  
of shame to disguise  
my self-made injuries  
as angel’s wings  
 
i’m a fkn mystery  
waiting to be  
explained to me  
clear patterns repeat  
because i never  
quit them for myself  
always for someone else  
false reawakenings  
falling as prey to  
predators pretending  
and so it seems  
i only have time  
for flagellating  
self-sabotaging  
my inner guide  
died long ago  
destroyed by lies  
by people who  
do drugs to party  
meanwhile i just  
want drugs to die  
in this eternal hell  
 
i villainize myself  
because i would rather  
take responsibility  
and blame myself  
than admit that  
the people i loved  
who were supposed  
to love me back  
are the ones who have  
hurt me the most  
stabbed in the back  
so i take the knife  
to my own skin  
as punishment  
and reinforcement  
a sacrificial monk  
deluding the truth  
in hallowed names  
praying to reignite  
my own flame  
 
but i burn it all down  
like a fkn clown  
self-berate and  
seeking the same  
destructive traits  
a never ending  
nightmare bender  
it’s a disgrace and  
i am an albatross  
microcosm of chaos  
yet all i have to do  
is look in the mirror  
ignore all the chatter  
accept the answers  
step off the ride  
out of space and time  
to another dimension  
i see the final conclusion  
severing my inherent  
toxic transfusion