deepundergroundpoetry.com
Stardate# d34thbutpr0n0unc3n3d"nasa"
Its cold
I know and im sorry
But i been drifting away
With no one to save me.
My oxygen tank is failing
im sure thr boys in boca chica will save me
Figure out a ingenious way
Red greening the fuck out of it
(Nasa mission control rool falls silent eyes looked back scanning for the general who loweref his gaze with a feel of defeat and gave the nod that would sign the astronauts sentence of death in the cold vacuum of space a micro meteorite ,
Like a world ending proportions punched though his attachment line leaving him floating away )
Tell my family ....-nothing more is heard cept air escaping instesd of words.
(1n spac3 no1 wi11 h3ar y0u scrĉm)
I know and im sorry
But i been drifting away
With no one to save me.
My oxygen tank is failing
im sure thr boys in boca chica will save me
Figure out a ingenious way
Red greening the fuck out of it
(Nasa mission control rool falls silent eyes looked back scanning for the general who loweref his gaze with a feel of defeat and gave the nod that would sign the astronauts sentence of death in the cold vacuum of space a micro meteorite ,
Like a world ending proportions punched though his attachment line leaving him floating away )
Tell my family ....-nothing more is heard cept air escaping instesd of words.
(1n spac3 no1 wi11 h3ar y0u scrĉm)
Published 7th Apr 2022
Author's Note
Been a while since i felt the words flow . Good to maybe be bk again
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 8
reads 386
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Hello My Friend
I think you have the making of wonderful poetic masterpiece here, gloriously dark, vulnerable and filled with brevity in it's lines. The image is stellar and the title intriguing.
Right some honest critique, only because I respect you and think you've got this...
what this poem needs is to be afforded a couple of edits, and they are important, so don't shy away from them do it!
read it once quietly to yourself, then read it again aloud to your mirror...
the third time read it to yourself, line by line, but hit that edit button every time you bump in the read...
by bump in the read I mean it just doesn't flow off your tongue for some reason, like a spelling error or something that doesn't make sense, or a line that stops the read suddenly.
after this... have a coffee, then come back and do that again (don't rush).
when you've done that, gimme a shout and lets work the final details together.
trust me this will do more for your poetry in the future and finding the feeling for words than anything else you could muster up.
thank you for sharing this wonderful piece. it is awesome!
Al
I think you have the making of wonderful poetic masterpiece here, gloriously dark, vulnerable and filled with brevity in it's lines. The image is stellar and the title intriguing.
Right some honest critique, only because I respect you and think you've got this...
what this poem needs is to be afforded a couple of edits, and they are important, so don't shy away from them do it!
read it once quietly to yourself, then read it again aloud to your mirror...
the third time read it to yourself, line by line, but hit that edit button every time you bump in the read...
by bump in the read I mean it just doesn't flow off your tongue for some reason, like a spelling error or something that doesn't make sense, or a line that stops the read suddenly.
after this... have a coffee, then come back and do that again (don't rush).
when you've done that, gimme a shout and lets work the final details together.
trust me this will do more for your poetry in the future and finding the feeling for words than anything else you could muster up.
thank you for sharing this wonderful piece. it is awesome!
Al
10th Apr 2022 11:37am
13th Apr 2022 1:31pm
Thank you my life revolve around space and meteorites its my passion and mz business and my life partner lmao I got space for days
3rd May 2022 3:10am
Reread ur comment..and hit me just like how I feel the phantom of the opera and me are twin flame o believe my emotional can only be comprehended by myself to others in such terms of cosmic steller awe and beauty and destructive as the universe idk how else I could ever share what I hide and internalize if it wasn't for space as a analagy
16th Apr 2022 11:00am
I like the stardate number. Reminds me of an order receipt at McDonald's when the 0-99 cycle has ceased, lol.
3rd May 2022 3:07am
To the person who nominated me for my VERY FIRST POEM OF THE MONTH
thank you I am very honored and like to ask u to message me
Thank yoy
thank you I am very honored and like to ask u to message me
Thank yoy
3rd May 2022 12:47pm
16th May 2022 7:49am
