Monotone Monday

"Author's Note  
idk i just thought this sounded good *shrugs"  
 
The author encourages honest critique  
----‐------------------------------- end quote----  
   
It does sound good in my opinion... but if you want to play with it... you could try...  
   
1st line...  
The / dai/ly rout/ine /is / drain/ing  (8 sylable count)  
   
2nd line...  
And / I /am /dry (4 sylable count)  
   
So if we made line 3 and 4 the same what would happen...  
   
3rd line...  
noth/ing / left / to / drain / out /of / me (8 sylable)  
   
4th line...  
just / want / to / die ( 4 syllable)  
   
A suggestion for line 3  
to change the word drain to draw... being the use of drain in the first line...  
   
This is a wonderfully minimal but emotional piece you have here and so I completely see why the need to place it on the page... with some structure that *shrugs in your author note won't be there...  
   
Note this is just my honest opinion and I think you potentially have a heart burning little vignette here... well worth working on and polishing up.    
   
Wishing you Blue Skies  
   
Al  
   
   
 

I completely agree with you, Al!
The change from drain to draw sounds so good, like!? Wow!
I'll leave it like this simply because I don't want to-- how should I put this "steal" your ideas, but I do love the suggestions truly!

Firstly... of course if you can leave it as it is..its your poem.

Secondly.. you asked for honest critique, you got it.. using any suggestion, idea or opinion is not stealing my ideas at all... that's why we critique each other.. so we can find what we missed and use what we want to. Using any comment on your own poem is not theft at all. It's working on your piece... there is a huge difference!

Thanks tho I appreciate you saying how you feel.

Al

...

100% agree with this but as I was reading it I thought that the 3rd line like you suggested, Change drain to draw....then split the line in 2 thus 3rd and 4th line are 6 syllables and rhyming and leaving a powerful message at the end

What are your thoughts?
Devon