Aftercare When He Doesn't Care

after a long-awaited play session  
artisan pain
sourced from his diabolical imagination  
his arsenal of implements  
his oh-so-strong hands  
 
it's lonely coming down  
 
you remind yourself why you chose this  
why you keep choosing this:  
it makes you feel alive  
it's exciting  
it's challenging  
it's attention from him  
something you crave  
completely  
 
you get to have a whole evening of it  
and then suddenly  
 
it stops  
 
you're left dazed  
 reddened  
bruised  
on a high  
that's good  
you feel...happy!  
but you also feel alone  
deserted  
 
parched  
 
The aftercare he provides  
is like tepid iced tea  
unsweetened  
in a six ounce paper cup  
you savor what there is of it  
knowing there won't be more  
 
of course what you want  
is icy refreshment  
brisk tea  
cold as an invigorating wave  
indulgent sugar  
tangy lemon  
tracing his initals  
on the cold slick condensation  
of the smooth tall glass  
infatuated  
thirsty for more  
 
dream on  
hold tight to that paper cup  
it's more than he used to give you  
which is to say  
nothing at all  
 
you're fun for him to play with  
but when he's sated  
and relaxed from your loving footrub  
you are like room service dishes  
he sets outside his door  
as he settles in  
for a contended night's sleep  
 
aftercare when he doesn't care  
is the touch that doesn't heal  
the thought that doesn't count  
the timer that doesn't ring  
or need to  
a hug from a mannequin  
the kiss you'll never get  
the call that's too much effort  
that warm special feeling  
that you are  
just maybe  
the 47th  
most important person  
in his life  
 
because of the long drive  
he allows you to spend the night  
you should be gone  
shortly after sunrise  
he's too polite to say that  
and also too kind  
but it's obvious  
you've done  
what you were there to do  
now he wants to start his day  
without you  
 
maybe you should just leave now  
willing yourself to not cry  
navigating a bumpy dirt road by moonlight  
making it to the highway of promise  
your bad night vision  
blurring the on ramp  
 
driving as fast as you can  
astigmatism making stars  
of oncoming cars  
maybe you'll find a motel  
some unlikely place  
off an unknown exit  
that will feel like home  
 
you stop at a Circle K  
fill a large cup with ice  
dispense diet coke  
enjoying the sound of the flow  
anticipating the cold  
fake sweet liquid  
 
you get back onto the highway  
temporarily mollified  
crank up the radio  
Radar Love!  
pick up the full heavy beverage  
of cold sweet everything  
jam a straw into the punctured lid  
and joke to yourself  
to just suck it up