Being

 

Waking up, in the middle of the night,
running barefoot upon tiles
down a hall, 'longside a silent road.
Streetlight pours through curtains,
leads to your room
where you,
free of fear of vulnerability,
tell me you need me to hold you,
need your Mother, and I,
without difficulty
or figuring out logistics,
curl into the space beside you,
outerworld protector,
tigress,
hold you 'til morning.
When I wake
I am often greeted
by golden morning kisses,
strands brushed from face.
You go upstairs,
listen to stories on an audiobox
you were gifted for your birthday.
You are quiet, settled,
await breakfast.
I dream of other spaces a while,
exist as someone else,
drive into something else.
Your Mother is left
located inside trunks of legs,
your wrists
first fathomed in the womb of me.
I dream of a cub,
lonely on desert,
wake to an army,
the dawn chorus.
Scent of clematis
drifts in from up the wall.
I can walk no more
than ten steps to the village hall,
participate in high end
free childcare,
socialise with mums
discuss the reality of things,
the secret pins
in earning wages,
working when you want to,
autonomy,
independence,
reclaiming anything semblance
of your old self,
how it didn't become apparent
before the smalls
went to school
how different you had become.
I go down the lane,
drive to Mothecombe.
Could walk the local pass
or wander to Cellars if I wanted to,
when the call of Warren loop,
Gara Point,
Sheep skulls
call for my toes.
Someone in the village is a Doctor.
That's convenience.
There's a range stove,
a window over fields.
It's below a commonly used
RAF flight path.
I watch planes,
they're loud and grey.
I share alot of roles
with the Husband.
He wants to be present,
us to be present.
I have begun to discuss my needs more,
in a way I haven't since Fern.
It's uncomfortable how long
we've been uncomfortable
in each others company.
It is lighter now
than it's been in years.
Light pours through windows
every morning
left to right.
The child is happier.
The cat likes it.
The shower is afternoon bliss.
I've been to a neighbouring town,
found a tea shop,
they poach eggs,
there're hops boughs.
I buy picture frames,
unusual coffee cups,
spend days repainting,
painting and painting.
I've scoped the pubs,
read books -
enjoy buying them.
There's a peace,
some peace in here.