deepundergroundpoetry.com
Six Seconds
Trigger warning: This is a poem about suicide ideation and an imagined suicide attempt. It's ultimately a poem about gratitude, but it may still be upsetting to some.
what if
everything
-every one-
I ever loved
appeared before me
magestically glittering
in the six seconds
between a bridge jump
and my death
what if i couldn't go back
to love those people
and places and things
deeply and graciously
as I suddenly ever so frantically
and desperately longed to
because
I was in the process
of murdering myself
what if a life of opportunities
beckoned me with open arms
and i ached to throw myself into them
but couldn't
because
i was too busy murdering myself
What if after I jumped
I saw stars in the darkness
chances not limits
color cancelling gray
open doors
so very many open doors
not the small room
i thought i couldn't escape
what if I saw someone i loved
someone i wanted to save
but couldn't
because
i was busy murdering her
what if my last thought
in my last second
before landing
on the hard as concrete bay
was:
i've never really been trapped
but i am now
what if
everything
-every one-
I ever loved
appeared before me
magestically glittering
in the six seconds
between a bridge jump
and my death
what if i couldn't go back
to love those people
and places and things
deeply and graciously
as I suddenly ever so frantically
and desperately longed to
because
I was in the process
of murdering myself
what if a life of opportunities
beckoned me with open arms
and i ached to throw myself into them
but couldn't
because
i was too busy murdering myself
What if after I jumped
I saw stars in the darkness
chances not limits
color cancelling gray
open doors
so very many open doors
not the small room
i thought i couldn't escape
what if I saw someone i loved
someone i wanted to save
but couldn't
because
i was busy murdering her
what if my last thought
in my last second
before landing
on the hard as concrete bay
was:
i've never really been trapped
but i am now
Published 19th Mar 2022
Author's Note
I'm not suicidal. I don't have a plan. I like, and often love, being alive. I have, however, from a young age harbored a vague suicide ideation- more of a desire for an escape room really. Writing this poem fulfilled a need to 'go there'- and to emerge with deeper gratitude for my life.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 3
comments 6
reads 1254
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I get this ....
I remember standing at a light waiting to cross and thinking about killing myself because I worked at a company where I felt I had no escape but was trapped. I could never do it because I respect respect life but my depression was mighty. They eventually laid me off and I remember walking up the street on last day and it was like a New Orleans funeral. I was dead, the band was playing and I was finally at peace. Getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to me in my career.
Postscript: They laid me off because there was an across the board company layoff because of a recession. They wanted to ice someone else but he had seniority. They called me up a year later and asked me to come back. It gave me great satisfaction to tell them I had a new job and to GO FUCK YOURSELF.....
BIG LIKE
STAY ALIVE, it's magic even when it sucks .....
I remember standing at a light waiting to cross and thinking about killing myself because I worked at a company where I felt I had no escape but was trapped. I could never do it because I respect respect life but my depression was mighty. They eventually laid me off and I remember walking up the street on last day and it was like a New Orleans funeral. I was dead, the band was playing and I was finally at peace. Getting laid off was the best thing that ever happened to me in my career.
Postscript: They laid me off because there was an across the board company layoff because of a recession. They wanted to ice someone else but he had seniority. They called me up a year later and asked me to come back. It gave me great satisfaction to tell them I had a new job and to GO FUCK YOURSELF.....
BIG LIKE
STAY ALIVE, it's magic even when it sucks .....
19th Mar 2022 7:41pm
Being trapped at a job you hate is a living hell. I was in that position right before the pandemic hit. I feel guilty saying the pandemic saved my life, but it kind of did. My sanity if nothing else.
And yes (cue the Bee Gees song) I am stayin' alive. I've made it this far...
Thanks for the like, and for sharing your story.
And yes (cue the Bee Gees song) I am stayin' alive. I've made it this far...
Thanks for the like, and for sharing your story.
19th Mar 2022 2:11pm
Wow… having been on that edge… I found this so resonating… excellent job…
19th Mar 2022 7:45pm
Thank you. I've read that most suicide survivors realized they wanted to live the moment they made their attempt. Seems worth remembering.
27th Mar 2022 5:31am
How do you do it, how do you keep going, I'm 17 and I cut myself at least twice a week, I do drugs, and alcohol hoping the pain will go away, My best friend almost overdosed on fentanyl. I can' t do it anymore. I want to be happy, but it is so hard. I don't want to die, I just want relief from the pain.
27th Mar 2022 6:47pm
