Liars Convention

  A few months ago several friends onsite asked me how was my Thanksgiving?
Basically I gave them a friendly run around because I don’t celebrate any holidays. But I seriously don’t believe in shitting on anyone else’s belief’s or dreams. So as I said I shadow danced around with my answers, but because so many people asked I decided to write it down.
             On Wednesday the day before Thanksgiving I got up and dressed as usual for work. I hadn’t requested any vacation time because I intended to stay at home and work. I arrived at work after stopping by the doughnut shop and picking up a few doughnuts. I noticed as soon as I turned into work that there was only a skeleton crew there. As I entered the building I saw that it was less than a skeleton crew mostly temps with no vacation time. I made my way to my shop and with a doughnut in hand I began working. About thirty minutes later I decided that my coworker wasn’t coming in. But I had lots to keep me busy for the remainder of the day. At 11:45 I decided that I wanted some tea to go with another doughnut. As I headed to the cafeteria I saw a group of people along with the maintenance guys standing around the time clock. I asked where was everyone going and was met by a surprised look on the maintenance guys face. The entire job was shutting down at 12:00 and I nearly got locked in the building. I returned to the shop, grabbed my doughnuts, and gave them to a young man at the time clock. We all left work together at 12:00.
             I was headed home but decided on a trip to the store first so that I didn’t have to come back out. I was off early by several hours so I decided to take my time shopping. I was nearly finished when I decided to grab some apple juice. As I was walking down the aisle I was being met by an elderly lady with a beautiful smile. I could tell that she was quite a looker at a younger age. I guessed at the time that she was somewheres above seventy. She was wearing a matching athletic outfit with a zippered jacket half ways zipped down. As she approached I noticed that the shirt inside the jacket was fishnet and that I could see her breast with nipples pierced through it. I smiled and we both spoke as we passed each other. As I bent down to get my apple juice I looked back up the aisle in her direction and she had “THUMP” written on the ass of her pants. She bent over to pick something up off of the bottom shelf and I could see that see was wearing a thong. I dropped the apple juice back down, I needed something stronger. DUP take me away
              I headed to check out and self check out was actually wrapped around shit. So I headed up to one of the registers and this guy stops me saying, “hello” to me. He says, “you know I lost your contact information, but I got a lot of work for you.” Now I’m scrambling my brains trying to remember him. I finally stopped him and apologized for not remembering his name. He introduced himself as Mr. Shepherd. I had to suppress a laugh because he looked more like a Boxer or a Pug. He continued on with what he needed me to do and then I realized that he had me confused with my coworker, not that we look anything alike. I explained the mix up anf found out that I had helped on a job and this caused the confusion. I called my coworker and allowed them to to talk. I also had some of my coworker’s business cards and I gave Mr.Shepherd two of them.
                He left to begin his shopping and this when I noticed the shopper about two carts ahead of me. She had the absolute biggest ass that I had seen in some time, I mean each cheek was an ass in it’s own right. I was close enough to reach the Kit Kats, so I bent over and grabbed one. But something kept drawing my eyes back to her ass. I was totally confused until I realized what was wrong. One of those giant lumps in her ass was actually the largest pad that I had ever seen. DUP take me away.
                I was really happy to make it out of the store and again head towards home. But then I thought of my dry cleaning and being already out I decided to pick up. As I was was turning into the dry cleaner’s parking lot a Mercedes with a female driver was was pulling in also. She smiled as she pulled in first, but when I parked she was just getting out of her car. I followed behind her and could tell that she had her hair professionally done. I could see under her tight fitting dress her bra outline. I could see her see her panties outline. As she pulled the door open and stepped aside holding it for me. She flashed toothy grin evident by it’s outline that she had worn braces before. And now facing me I could see her dick outline. I hurried in, grabbed my shit. and sped  out of the parking lot. DUP take me away.
           Now completely finished and finally headed home, my aunt called wanting to know what time I would be arriving home. I told her that I wasn’t coming home, but she didn’t requested an appearance. She simply told me to come home. She said that everyone was coming home and that we would all be eating dinner together at the old house, my grandparent’s house. I then had to go home, pack a bag, put my groceries away, and hurry and get on the road. A trip that should had been no longer than two and a half hour took four and a half. There was one traffic back up that took more than a hour. I just knew there was going to be this big multi car pile up, up ahead.
Then for no reason and without warning the traffic started moving and I was wide eyed for the cause of the back up. The only things that I saw was a turtle and a snail on the side of the road giving everyone the the finger. I actually stopped a cousin’s house before going to my aunt’s house. I knew that once I got there I wouldn’t have a chance to roll up a blunt. I finally arrived at my aunt’s and with a bowl of cereal I sat in the kitchen while my cousins and her finished prepping and cooking. I went to bed before everyone else, the next day was the actual holiday and the actual day of the Liar’s Convention. DUP take me away
             The next day my aunt had everyone up and dressed early. The food was loaded up and everyone headed to my grandparent’s house. We most definitely were not the first to arrive there were people from far and wide and the Liar’s Convention was in full swing. “I missed you.” “You sure look good.” “Well dam girl how much weight are you going to loose?” There was even a little lying between between my uncle and myself. He knew that I wouldn’t smoke or drink in front of him so every once in a while he would excuse himself . I took advantage of this time along with several cousins to dam near start a wildfire or flood the Sahara. Dinner was good and long, I thought that we were staying put for the night. But my aunt  told me that we were all headed home, that she was having a pot luck dinner the next day.
             We all got back home to late that night and decided to get some sleep so that we could get up early and prepare things for the pot luck.The next morning was hustle and bustle, some family came over but it was mainly my aunt’s friends. My last assignment was to put six rolls of tissue into the bathroom, along with the roll already in there it was nearly seven rolls. The men folk had excused themselves to the backyard, standing around, and talking about men shit. My aunt and several of the ladies came outside, basically to see what the hell their men were so happy about. They had every intention of wiping those grins off of their husband’s face. What the fuck were they so happy about with their women’s permission? While we were standing out there and my aunt was bragging about some seafood that I caught for her over the summer and earlier in the year. My aunt’s friend Betty showed up and drove all of the way around into the backyard. Now all of the guys like Betty, she doesn’t hold anything back. She curses just as much as the guys do and she drinks just as much as she curse. She is a guy’s girl. Although she is on the healthy side, she’s more breast than anything. The first thing that she asked me was, “if I had married yet?” I told her, “no”  and she asked me to give her a hand getting her specialty out of the car.
              As I walked off in the direction of her car I looked back and she was filling a cup with liquor. It didn’t matter there was only one pan in her car and she met me on my way to the house. She asked, “do you like sweet potato casserole?” I said, “yes.” She said, “you had better grab you some before everyone else starts in on it.” As I walked off in the direction of of the backdoor I heard my aunt call to me. She has a name for me that no one else calls me or is allowed to call me. I turned answering her and she said when you put that pan down how about come here. Dam I was just thinking of of some sweet potato casserole. I put the pan down and went back outside with the intentions of hurrying back for some. As soon as I stepped back outside my uncle called me as he headed towards the front of the house. I followed him listening to him mumbling about showing me something. Once we were in the front yard he told me, “your aunt said that you had better not touch that sweet potato casserole.” I told him okay and I told him that I be back soon. I needed to to go over to my cousin’s house and twist one up.
            When I returned Betty and I leaned against my uncle’s truck talking. My aunt had actually shared some of the seafood with her. Then she came from far out of left field, she asked if I would like to stop by her place before returning home? She made sure that I knew she didn’t need anything fixed. I really don’t believe in hurting people’s feelings. Betty was easily old enough to be my mom and I could tell that she could easily smoke and drink me under the table. I was kinda high and I thought about it, Betty was really top heavy. If I placed her on top of me she could rape me and there wouldn’t be shit that I could do. If I lied her on her back, by the time I dug her breast out of her armpits I would be to tired and there wouldn’t be shit that I could do. I told her that I would let her know something before she left for home. She smiled liking that answer. DUP take me away
                Everyone finally went inside and ate dinner. Some people with my aunt’s encouragement fixed plates for home. I was sent to the neighbors carrying plates. When I returned Betty was standing on the front porch. By now my head had cleared some and the Liar’s Convention was in full effect. I explained to her that I had someone and that I really didn’t want to cheat on her. She understood that and let me off the hook with a warning. She said that she would catch me in between relationships later. She then left with everyone else and it was just the ones staying the night in the house. Now with everyone gone home my aunt started putting things away. My cousins began cleaning up behind everyone. I went in cleaned up the bathroom and placed two more rolls of tissue in there. My aunt asked if the tissue was totally out and I said yes. She began doing math, there was seven rolls in there this morning. Then she placed two rolls in there while everyone was still there for a total of nine rolls. She said that the men folk were all outside. She looked at my uncle who was collecting his liquor and said there’s no way those women used nine rolls of tissue. I had gone into my bedroom and found a one hitter. I upped the window and was feeling quite mellow again. So by the time my aunt asked everyone, “do you think someone stole that tissue?” She got different answers from from different members of the family. But I kept my answer to myself after an afternoon of talking with Betty I was convinced that most of those women brought more than one pussy with them DUP take me away
                My uncle who is usually the last one to catch on to things. He was totally caught off guard when my aunt asked me if Betty had ask me about sleeping with her. I said that she had asked and watched as everyone pricked there ears. They all knew that my aunt wasn’t finished. My aunt asked what did we both agree on. She said that she had seen Betty leaving and saw her smiling. I told her that we both decided that right now isn’t a good time to try a relationship. I told her that Betty did promise to leave things on the table for now. My aunt smiled in satisfaction that I didn’t show disrespect. I asked my aunt why didn’t she want me to eat the sweet potato casserole? She said that Betty liked to put chopped pecans on top of her sweet potato casserole. They were to add a little nutty bite to the casserole. But the only purpose that those pecans were serving was reminding everyone that Betty had roaches in her house. My uncle then added that without my glasses I may have a little trouble telling the two apart. DUP take me away
                  Saturday was spent visiting family that I hadn’t seen and getting stunted. My aunt called she wanted me home for dinner with everyone leaving on Sunday. By dinner time my stomach was screaming and my aunt must have heard it. She knows how I like to eat, a lot but a little of this and that, kinda like a large sample tray. She also packed up tons for everyone to take home. The next morning was Sunday and everyone was packed up and on the road early. Again a two and a half hour trip took four hours and forty-five minutes. It seemed like I ran into the same traffic jam headed in the opposite  direction. When the traffic finally started flowing again I started looking for the hold up. Again I didn’t see anything until I passed a snail and a turtle on the side of the road giving everyone the finger. At this point I stopped looking at the oncoming traffic for fear of passing myself heading in the opposite direction. DUP take me away
           I really hope that this piece answers everyone’s questions about my Thanksgiving. I absolutely refuse to tell anyone about my Christmas, Christmas was really weird for me.                            
  
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