Somebody

"I want somebody to share/
Share the rest of my life"
I sang to you
Soft infant
Smelling of angels' whispers
Ineffable sweetness
And everything right

Sweaty euphoria of your musical cry
When they cut open my stomach
And pulled you out like a book
That would rewrite these painful years
Of my quiet agony
A soul cursed by aloneness
Poisoned by chronic despair

And yet the terror of having you
Doc prescribing Xanax
Because I couldn't sleep
Knowing while you were in my womb
That I would fail you

I could barely take care of myself
Driving wild through streets
And years later in terror
I would try to give you to your father

"I want somebody who cares/
For me passionately/
With every thought and with every breath"
The morning's exhaustion
Falling asleep while you played
That cop who rescued you
When you ran out into a crosswalk

And years later
In your teens
My addictions
Enveloping me once more
The drugs and the men

And you telling me how much you hated
That my eyes were always sad when I smiled

Yet you called me at midnight
At the bus stop
I held your head over the toilet
As you puked up
Every horrific mistake
I have made as a mother

And now
I sit in the cool sanctuary of your apartment
As you bring me dinner

You smile
Taking care of me
Letting me live with you
Passing all your classes
A loving husband

And I remember what a therapist
Once told me
That it isn't about being a good mother
It's about being
A good enough mother

And despite the fact
I was a horrible mother

You ladle me
Your famous chicken tortilla soup

And hum our song