deepundergroundpoetry.com

The Death Rubric

my mom's friend
-let's call her Ethel-
was the first to get an F
the day my dad died

i'd relayed dad's final words
words the nurse on duty
had relayed to me
just hours before

asked late at night if he'd like the lights off or on:
"I'd prefer them on"

"He always was a control freak" i joked

i meant it affectionately, damn it!

his ability to navigate a sailboat across the Atlantic without radar
the time he'd kept his wits after the single engine in his plane failed
the time he put out a fire while others looked on stupidly

i wasn't referring to his demanding, tempermental side. 

but Ethel was
her response: "YUH THINK???"

Her viterol was a punch in the gut
mine
and dad's
because- oddly-
i'm sure he heard her

Aunt Doris earned the next F
delighting in telling a story
of her daughter's victorious zinger
when Dad challenged her precious darling's religious beliefs
"she showed him!"

you may not know this Aunt Doris
but he can hear you 
and he really hates that story

i'm culturally Jewish
and an atheist
i have no idea what happens when we die
the newly dead can hear us?
never occured to me
it had also never occured to me
the depth and bredth and quality
of condolences

i scroll through emails and texts

"Please be assured he has returned to perfection."
hmm, who knows, but comforting thought. 
Grade: A-

"Oh no! That's so horrible I don't know what to say!"
Grade: B

"I'm so very sorry. My condolences"
Grade: C

"I have so many happy memories of your dad. He was a good man, and a genius."
Grade: A+

Dating site guy i was considering meeting: "Sorry about your dad. Hey, let me get back to you in a couple of days. I've been busier than a hooker on nickel beer night."
Grade: Expulsion

Actions earned grades too:
friend who brought over dinner three nights in a row
Grade: A

my brother-in-law
who following dad's wish
dropped his ashes
over the rail of a ferry
(no one else could handle doing it)
into the Puget Sound near Orcas Island
Grade: A

dad's physical therapist
who'd heard dad had died
and called, asking to come to the memorial
because he'd liked him so much
Grade: A

Clumsy condolences were graded on a curve

five years earlier
a uniquely close friend murdered himself
asphyxiation
a hotel maid found him
i could picture it

Marie felt my sorrow
offering to be present 
to be there with me

but oh, her amazingly horrible choice of words

"You don't even have to talk if you're not up to it."


"We can just hang."

i snapped at her
she apologized
"I'm sorry. it's hard to find the right words."
then a pause
"...I care."

Grade: A

it is hard

what i've learned:
keep it simple
if you knew the deceased
say the nicest thing you can about them
'Oh no! I don't know what to say' is honest and acceptable
'I care' is better










Written by Pinkdreams
Published
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