deepundergroundpoetry.com
When I'm good you're not here.
Dressed in solitude,
a canvas
to be slashed
or eroded
by
the
chemical,
black on black,
falling for the crush.
Come, where wind breathes me
and see those words follow and echo and expand
in the hollow rock
that offers
a sanctuary
far away from your
experimental phase.
Westerns play,
cigars and games
where you can take
to sporting and
I will play the machine
that's scripted
to say every line
the correct way.
Will I hear the rusted voice once more,
with words richer
than blood money?
Barricade me on the other side
of emptiness
and let me not
seek
the wicked grace
I am not strong enough for.
a canvas
to be slashed
or eroded
by
the
chemical,
black on black,
falling for the crush.
Come, where wind breathes me
and see those words follow and echo and expand
in the hollow rock
that offers
a sanctuary
far away from your
experimental phase.
Westerns play,
cigars and games
where you can take
to sporting and
I will play the machine
that's scripted
to say every line
the correct way.
Will I hear the rusted voice once more,
with words richer
than blood money?
Barricade me on the other side
of emptiness
and let me not
seek
the wicked grace
I am not strong enough for.
Published 8th Mar 2012
| Edited 10th Mar 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 11
reads 916
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
8th Mar 2012 8:54pm
8th Mar 2012 9:21pm
Anonymous
- Edited 9th Mar 2012 4:22am
8th Mar 2012 9:22pm
...this is very strong work. Nice pace, nice leading lines and set-up. Well done.
If you will allow, there are a couple of housekeeping things...
Dressed in the solitude, (dressed in solitude? Why the 'the'?)
a canvas
to be slashed
or eroded
by
the
chemical,
black on black,
falling for the crush.
Come, where wind breathes me
and see those words follow and echo and expand
in the hollow rock
that offers
a sanctuary
far away from your
experimental phase. (this is just good-old-fashioned good writing)
Western plays, (a western plays? Westerns play?)
cigars and games
where you can take
to sporting and
I will play the machine
who's scripted
to say every line
the correct way.
Will I hear the rusted voice once more,
with words richer
than blood money?
Barricade me on the other side
of emptiness
and let me not
long for
the wicked grace
I am not strong enough for. (the double 'for' is a let down for me, the repeated word takes the punch from the ending a little)
I really like your writing when you show this element of control, a stepping back from the immediate to use a larger, wiser, more detached voice. Very pleasant.
DP
If you will allow, there are a couple of housekeeping things...
Dressed in the solitude, (dressed in solitude? Why the 'the'?)
a canvas
to be slashed
or eroded
by
the
chemical,
black on black,
falling for the crush.
Come, where wind breathes me
and see those words follow and echo and expand
in the hollow rock
that offers
a sanctuary
far away from your
experimental phase. (this is just good-old-fashioned good writing)
Western plays, (a western plays? Westerns play?)
cigars and games
where you can take
to sporting and
I will play the machine
who's scripted
to say every line
the correct way.
Will I hear the rusted voice once more,
with words richer
than blood money?
Barricade me on the other side
of emptiness
and let me not
long for
the wicked grace
I am not strong enough for. (the double 'for' is a let down for me, the repeated word takes the punch from the ending a little)
I really like your writing when you show this element of control, a stepping back from the immediate to use a larger, wiser, more detached voice. Very pleasant.
DP
10th Mar 2012 3:06pm
Thank you, DP for your advice, the edits and the comment. Edits have been made and I hope it's improved. Thanks again.
9th Mar 2012 6:27am
10th Mar 2012 2:58pm
9th Mar 2012 1:15pm
10th Mar 2012 3:05pm
10th Mar 2012 2:58am
Both open and mysterious at the same time. Like a hidden place tucked in plain sight. Words following the hollow rock. Minor point: "machine who's scripted to say" Shold it be "machine that's scripted to say?" If that falls too far on the wrong side of the personal/ impersonal tone for you, then perhaps remove the word "who's" altogether and move the word "scripted" down to start the next line.
10th Mar 2012 3:05pm
12th Mar 2012 8:59am
I love how the words trickle forth from the poem "...Will I hear the rusted voice once more,
with words richer
than blood money?"
So familiar.
with words richer
than blood money?"
So familiar.
