Late thoughts on pain

I don't want to be alive
Every day goes the same
And I feel so much guilt
When I look into those loving eyes
My joint ache as if I'm decades older
Than this body tells me that I am
I wake up to pain, fall asleep to its song
The days feel like years and its been eternities
Since the last day I've felt good in this body
Oh, it feels like a prison, a cursed prison
There's no escape because they'd just bring me back
There are days I pray for a blood clot to take me away
But then my eyes meet his and I drown in the guilt
I love him so damn much and I wish I had more fight
But the days are becoming a painful relay race of existence
I don't know how other people pull through it
This has just been a single year of my lifetime
And yet it feels so much longer than that
Not a single week has gone by without the pain
It's undescribable, unexplainable and it goes deep
My body doesn't feel like my own and I try so hard
To fight the wish to just die tonight
To will my body to just stop it all
And then I look over and see that sleeping face
And I just cry and cry biting my lip to keep silent
He tries so hard to drag me through this hell
And I am just not strong enough for it anymore
Am I a monster for not seeing the value in a lifetime of pain?