My own circus

I sit here counting lightyears,
For every second passing by,  
Truly past trying to fight tears ,
when I'm outta reasons why,
Steadily plucking racid pedals counting,
If she does or does not me...
Doesn't even matter when all the flowers around me,
All lay dead and rotting,
All the life and joy I felt,
Also lies dead all around me,
But out all the hard blows I felt the worst is the silent sounds surrounding me,
steadily downing me hounding me and clowning me,
It's my own burning bed I laid,
It's my own little circus show I made,
And I ain't fucking laughing,
Instead I'm stuck in the back of my own show gasping,
At all the people I let in trusting just to see em all laugh at me,
Then it's closing time...
Like always everyone leaves.  
I await now at this lonely exit hoping just one remembers me..
But instead they all just leave,
Me...  
But I swear if I shed one more unoticed tear drop,
I won't stop or cope out until I drown you all maybe then ill stop.  
Or maybe I'll flood the whole world over maybe by then I'll be on top..
I'm done crying.
Done caring,
Done trying and done sharing.  
done showing,
Done growing,
Done smiling and,
Soon going......(away)
 
I changed my self a hundred fucking times..
And I'm still not what anyone wants.  
And it sucks...
It's a crutch...
But it's not a crutch I want cause it's my back thats been hurt.  
It's the worst..  
Can't lie it hurts but not to much for me to still wonder what's in store for us..
I must... Find a new reason to keep breathing and heaving my own way out of this hell im leaving before I wind up stuck here weeping once more for another shit show.
Fuck another shit show...  
Fuck the pity and the needy.  
I'll tie myself to a fucking pyre and watch the fire rise higher and higher before I ever show how I feel again,
I'll be a liar and a clown,
I'll say im fine and paint over this frown
with a smile I promise...
 
 
 
But only I will know how much I miss it...