I

I feel like I'm bated and twisted
hopeless and sickly
but that is not me
who am I supposed to be?
sometimes I wish I could be free
from all this anxiety
gripping my sanity
 
heart wrenching and shaking  
that's not me
not someone I'm supposed to be
all of me fake
playing this game
what if the game played me?
what if I've already lost and I have to leave?
all of it is at stake
 
what if if I fail to be the person my father wants me to be?
my heart is constantly breaking
I feel like I'm dying  
no use in crying
panic attacks have had their whirl with me
these meds seem to make me seem to be
someone they want me to be
 
I tried a noose crying
there was no use in lying
my faith in me was dying
hopefully God will see  
 
I am tired of being me
but I flaked, a mistake
I can't even see me
I don't look at my face
I am a liar to them and myself
 
now I live  
but what is the stake?
not me a poet shall make
 
my loss of humanity?
I do not see justice
I just see hustlers
in every occupancy
some with and some without money
suffering just like me
internal anguish is relatability
 
it just grows
my death seems slow
i used to ask someone to kill me
I am the coward you all see
 
What does this mean?
all this uncertainty
I sanitize and clean
like the shame I keep
all this work buries me
in an unmarked grave
I'd rather be forgotten than stay awake
 
who am I supposed to be?
sometimes I'm woke
sometimes I'm broke
sometimes i want to see the world burn and scream
most times I'm just lonely
Main character energy
 
is that a curse?
that I have been birthed
have I been coerced?
maybe I wasn't ,meant to be
 
I deal with the reality
that life is just based on horse dreams
 
I'm all alone
in a place I call home
I worry of my sanity
maybe someone will find me
maybe they'll see the death in me
I am not "strong"
I can't do this!
I am not the hero in my movie
I am your nostalgy
my message is strong
my life is worse than my dreams
at least in nightmares,
I am asleep.