The Heartbeat of a Man

Go to your room  
Turn off all the lights and sounds  
Tell me what you hear  
Most people would say they hear nothing  
But for me, the silence speaks volumes  
My anxiety is so loud  
and the demons in my head are screaming 36 years worth of
what ifs, why nots, and I told you so's  
The weight of their words make me feel like I am drowning in two feet of water  
because I can't get my footing to stand up and catch my breath  
As they continue to pull me under  
I begin to hear something else in the silence
I hear the heartbeat of a man  
I hear the heartbeat of a man who once was a child  
Bound by a secret  
for fear of getting in trouble  
Feeling disgusted and dirty  
Losing his innocence at the hands of a grownup who took everything from him  
A grown up who he was supposed to trust  
I hear the heartbeat of a man who was once a teenager  
That found relief in bottles of booze and pills, drugs and girls  
Hoping to numb the pain from all that is broken inside of him  
I hear the heartbeat of a man who grew up to hate himself  
for all the things he could change, but chose not to  
I hear the heartbeat of a man drunk and alone in his living room  
with a pistol in his hand  
as the cops are pounding on his door to check his well-being  
As I continue to sit here in this silence  
I begin to hear another heartbeat  
I hear the heartbeat of a man  
A man who was interrogated, mocked, and nailed to a cross  
Suffering more pain than I could ever know  
I hear the heartbeat of a man who has willfully chosen to carry my burdens  
so that I may be washed clean of them  
I hear the heartbeat of a man who continuously reassures me  
that nothing is so great that it can't be overcome  
And as I break this silence that has engulfed me  
I reach for the light switch, and I am at peace because  
I heard the heartbeat of a man