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The Trial Of My Life

Impossible too break down the wall that is my existence.
 I stand firm in the belief that everything happens for a reason, that the trial and error, the pain, the suffering of not being able too speak to someone I care for is just a price that has too be paid too keep her safe from the monster that wears the face of her mom.
I struggle with keeping my son grounded when his heart is in the wind breezing its way through the months it will take too hold his love again.
His loneliness is a tag on my heart, temporarily losing his best friend too a system that does nothing to protect the weak.
How worrisome his thoughts must be knowing shes walking on eggshells in the halls of a monster that plays the legal system like the devil played his fiddle.
I care too much because I wasn't cared for enough. I was always the second choice, the misfit, the temporary fix for some sick, demented persons ego.
I wanted my kids too have their dad and they do, but at the cost of their mental stability. They beg him for affection, his attention, but also for him to admit that he wasn't always right.
Hes losing them one by one of his own accord, angers me that when they walk away from his selfishness that he boxes up the pieces of them and stuffs them in a box in a closet so he doesn't have too face his failures so he can pretend they don't exist.
I was unknowingly destroying one of the best things that ever happened too me with my constant comparison of him too my past.
He was the hand that pulled me out of the hell that is my mind and reminded me of the beauty that is my heart.
Somehow he glued the pieces of my soul back in place but the scars of my youth remained in the cracks.
Triggers are present and bothersome, I say things I shouldn't when I let them get too me. Still he remained when I was unpleasant too deal with.
Some nights I lay on the bathroom floor and let tears to which I don't always know the reasoning behind fall down my cheeks until I feel like I can get back up and pretend like I'm okay again.
My two oldest children remember the hell I tolerated vividly and recently I found out how severely it effected them too grow up with harsh words and swinging fists, watching me hide the bruises on my eyes. This was their view of what love is...
My middle daughter, my chipmunk was too young too remember those days, but she has heard the truth from her sister and brother, it hasn't been easy for her too hear that the man that treats her like gold is the nightmare that haunts her brother and sisters souls. The same man who once bruised her mothers eyes, I think her hell as the scapegoat child is too be living separate from her brother and sister and not fully understand why her brother and sister aren't there for her too share her successes, and her hurt with, but also having to assure her younger sisters and brother that her older sibilings didn't leave them.
It hurts that she feels that she has too be a brick wall and cry in the silence, smile through the storm.
I never wanted for my kids too know the pain that I did, wanted them too know only the good things of this world, I knew it wasn't possible... knew they would know heartbreaks and face their own burdens, but I always wished that they would allow me too carry it for them as my shoulders are used too carrying the weight of the world.
Everyone can tell you too get your shit together, but no one is going too help you get there, You have too be your own best friend, your own savior and push through the mud and the rust too get anywhere in life.
I am defined as a fighter, as a survivor, as a mother, as a wife.
But I have been the victim, the protector, and the knife....
While my decisions weren't always the best, my heart was always true.
I have always given love and advice too those who need it because for so much of my life I didn't have anyone willing too listen and I didn't know what love truly was.
It was always staring me straight in my face asking me for chocolate or juice, it was there in the eyes of my best friend every time he looked at me....
It was there when a teenage boy said thank you when I replaced his dingy clothes and worn old shoes with new.
It was there in the morning when a little girl I didn't birth said "good morning mom"
Its there when 4 kids who lost their mom look to me for advice and care.
When my son in law hugs me for seemingly no reason because I do so much for his wife and their kids and he sees me get so little appreciation.
When my sons try too knock me out with water balloons and baseballs.
When my middle daughter wants my opinion on something shes passionate about.
When my oldest daughter puts a song on that makes her think of us just so we can sing it together.
In the hugs of my 3 smaller babies every time they see me.
Love is amid the chaos, despite the pain, regardless of separation, it is forever, it is not without pain, but it is worth every trial in life to open your eyes too it's existence.
I have no regrets, I am suspended in the air of chaos but always able too find my footing on the path again.
Written by Erotic_Goddess
Published
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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