To Vanessa

I go between hating you with every fiber of my being, every cell living inside of my body, to crying at two in the morning because I can't remember what you smell like anymore. Crying comes easy most nights like these because you aren't here. I think about you more than I'd like to, and I hate that. I go between missing you like the sky misses the stars to pouring out the so called precious plant babies that are now long gone and dead. He mentioned the holidays yesterday and suddenly you were the only thing on my mind once again, and I hated it. What will christmas be like, Mom? Will you spend it with your new family in your new house, leaving Sophie and I alone? Will you stuff your new family's stockings and make them hot cocoa and cookies while we sit in this fucking house, cold and alone? Sometimes I think that if I killed myself, you would come home. That maybe that act alone would finally grasp your attention, but considering that even now, you don't see me, I know it wouldn't. You don't see how far we've fallen. I cried today because I miss the taste of your dinner, and now all we ever eat is frozen pizzas and take out. I cried at work today because my friends mom brought her a sonic drink and mine won't even have dinner with me. I only cry at night in my bed because at least then i can hold a pillow in my arms and pretend that it is you consoling me. I don't shower in the master bathroom anymore because all of your shampoo that we shared is gone because you took it all when you left. I don't listen to the same music anymore because it all reminds me of long car ride road trips with you. I am tiptoeing around in my own fucking life just so that I am reminded of you. I hate you because it is better to focus on all the rage you have left for me instead of the burning pain that is always dancing around inside of me. I wish I could hate you, mom. It would make missing you so much harder.