A letter I will never send

I didn’t know you until I was 10 in year 6 and all I wanted to do was please
I did that for a while but your anger was a volcano and it erupted
 so I switched from please to appease
I listened hard and I tried to become the daughter you acted like you wanted
I got violent just like you I went by your name I got involved in dangerous situations knowing stories of my name would be carried back to you
I thought you would be pleased as I had done what you wanted
 instead you took your rage out on me and the damage you caused I would never let you see
I did not show fear the fact you couldn’t stop me it struck a nerve because I didn’t let the damage show itself to you

You started to pick at my very core telling me that I was a whore
and I must have been asking for it
the one time I came to you vulnerable and you broke me and then I made sure to never let you see the true extent of what you had done
  I no longer wanted to please or appease
 I said  fuck you I went full force into being the cold monster you had decided that I was. truth.

Every hit you gave every insult you spat you funnelled more and more rage into
because I had made the choice to no longer react
I would just stare at you with my big, dead,eyes until your anger was spent
because I was too numb to care I didn’t care about being what you wanted now you heard of my anger and my obvious self destruct
yet  all you cared about were the guys because now here was your proof that I was a whore so your anger was justified
 you just busied yourself with causing more pain to me so I would blame and hate myself
for not being the daughter you wanted when truthfully you had never wanted me to exist in the first place

And that was the real problem that I existed and I was a person who could ruin your look the facade you had created
your daughter had crumbled
because now your daughter was known for fights and Booze filled late nights  sleeping rough instead of coming back home
because being at risk outside was better than the danger inside
 so now this whore this young girl who was every parents worse nightmare brought shame to your name She was a criminal who at 13 years old was sat in a cell and told the way she was going she wouldn’t make it to 16 then she was the 15 year old who was found choking on her own vomit because she had tried to take her miserable excuse for a life and instead of actually caring  it’s like it never happened because she couldn’t even get dying right  so of course she must have been attention seeking
She’s sick in the head is what you went around and said
Despite that being my second attempt in less than a week
Despite my friends turning up at the house pounding on the door and running into my room one forcing fingers down my throat the other getting water  to force me to throw up the tiny half digested pills
But no I was just attention seeking

Now are you happy with yourself
You have a daughter who is so mentally fucked every day she fights to stay alive
She has a body riddled with problems caused by beatings and trauma
Scars that she can still feel all because you needed a punching bag
Does it make you feel big and powerful
That you destroyed a life before it truly began