deepundergroundpoetry.com
I'm Sorry
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I can't be better.
I'm sorry I didn't try harder.
I did try though.
I tried so hard for so long.
I tried, and many times thought I was making progress and getting better.
Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, progress not only stops, but completely turns the opposite direction and I find myself back where I started, and have to start all over again.
I'm tired of trying.
It is exhausting,
trying to ride on this crazy roller-coaster, going up and down, and up and down.
It makes me feel sick.
I want the ride to be over.
I don't know that I can handle it anymore.
I don't want to handle it anymore!
I don't want to endure the pain anymore.
It's almost unbearable.
How have I survived this long, you may ask.
Guilt.
Guilt has made me hold on.
Guilt of the devastation that my family and friends will feel if I'm gone.
So what is different this time?
Why are the thoughts of the people I care about, not helping to keep me here this time?
This time is different.
This time I don't want to think of my loved ones.
Even if I do think of them now, it isn't having the same effect as it did before.
"They will be ok," I tell myself.
Even if they are sad for awhile, I won't feel guilty about it if I'm already gone.
How would I even know? I'm gone, I'm gone!
It won't matter to me anymore!
I won't have to worry about it anymore!
I will have no more sorrow!
No more pain!
No more hurt, or worry, or fear!
I will be free!
Free from the torment I feel in this life.
Why do I hate life so much?
Why do I want to be rid of life forever?
What is it that makes me stay when I so badly want to leave?
Why can't I leave?
Please God, why won't you let me leave?
Why must I endure?
I don't want to be here!
I want to be there!
I don't belong here!
I want to be with you!
Why can't I be with you now?
You send me encouragement to stay.
But why?
What's the point?
What's the point of life?
Why am I here?
What's my purpose for being here?
Can't someone else take my place?
I am not good enough.
I am not strong enough.
I can't do it on my own.
I am tired of trying.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I can't be better.
I'm sorry I didn't try harder.
I did try though.
I tried so hard for so long.
I tried, and many times thought I was making progress and getting better.
Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, progress not only stops, but completely turns the opposite direction and I find myself back where I started, and have to start all over again.
I'm tired of trying.
It is exhausting,
trying to ride on this crazy roller-coaster, going up and down, and up and down.
It makes me feel sick.
I want the ride to be over.
I don't know that I can handle it anymore.
I don't want to handle it anymore!
I don't want to endure the pain anymore.
It's almost unbearable.
How have I survived this long, you may ask.
Guilt.
Guilt has made me hold on.
Guilt of the devastation that my family and friends will feel if I'm gone.
So what is different this time?
Why are the thoughts of the people I care about, not helping to keep me here this time?
This time is different.
This time I don't want to think of my loved ones.
Even if I do think of them now, it isn't having the same effect as it did before.
"They will be ok," I tell myself.
Even if they are sad for awhile, I won't feel guilty about it if I'm already gone.
How would I even know? I'm gone, I'm gone!
It won't matter to me anymore!
I won't have to worry about it anymore!
I will have no more sorrow!
No more pain!
No more hurt, or worry, or fear!
I will be free!
Free from the torment I feel in this life.
Why do I hate life so much?
Why do I want to be rid of life forever?
What is it that makes me stay when I so badly want to leave?
Why can't I leave?
Please God, why won't you let me leave?
Why must I endure?
I don't want to be here!
I want to be there!
I don't belong here!
I want to be with you!
Why can't I be with you now?
You send me encouragement to stay.
But why?
What's the point?
What's the point of life?
Why am I here?
What's my purpose for being here?
Can't someone else take my place?
I am not good enough.
I am not strong enough.
I can't do it on my own.
I am tired of trying.
Published 1st Oct 2021
Author's Note
I don't remember when I wrote this, but maybe around 2017 or 2018 or something possibly. It was kind of like a suicide note almost, but obviously I didn't go through with it.
Unfortunately, I am struggling again, but I am working on it and getting help.
Unfortunately, I am struggling again, but I am working on it and getting help.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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1st Oct 2021 3:55am
I know life can be extremely difficult at time's, trust me, I've lived it. Although most of the time, life seems unfair, unjust. It is also Beautiful and Empathetic. We at time's feel like we do not belong, because we feel, we are meant for something else, something greater perhaps, and the feeling of selflessness washes over and seeps into the bones, but you forget, that at one time you shone so bright, brighter than the sun itself, that you bathed everyone in the light emanating from your soul.
You are more than Good enough.
You are more than Strong Enough.
You are Worthy of Love, Trust, Honesty, Compassion.
You are you, only you, not anyone else, Uniquely Created by God Himself.
And if he deams you worthy to walk this Earth, then, Beautiful Soul, you simply must have a part yet to play is his Grand Scheme ❤ 😉
You are more than Good enough.
You are more than Strong Enough.
You are Worthy of Love, Trust, Honesty, Compassion.
You are you, only you, not anyone else, Uniquely Created by God Himself.
And if he deams you worthy to walk this Earth, then, Beautiful Soul, you simply must have a part yet to play is his Grand Scheme ❤ 😉
1st Oct 2021 4:06am
Man. You can’t spend the rest of your life in a constant state of overthinking until you’re psychologically distressed over things that are neither here or there.
No one can, and it’s not sustainable ! And, nor should you speak to yourself so negatively.
You have to start using positive affirmations, and tell yourself how radiant you are, and how you deserve nothing but the best because you are the best !
All you have is this moment, in the present,
which is a constant if you can learn to live in the present moment, every second, minute and hour of each day.
Hopefully, you learn to forgive yourself for things that make you feel inadequate, which is usually triggered from overthinking, and becomes a self inflicted wound !
Just breathe, and peace be unto you…🙏💙😇
No one can, and it’s not sustainable ! And, nor should you speak to yourself so negatively.
You have to start using positive affirmations, and tell yourself how radiant you are, and how you deserve nothing but the best because you are the best !
All you have is this moment, in the present,
which is a constant if you can learn to live in the present moment, every second, minute and hour of each day.
Hopefully, you learn to forgive yourself for things that make you feel inadequate, which is usually triggered from overthinking, and becomes a self inflicted wound !
Just breathe, and peace be unto you…🙏💙😇
1st Oct 2021 1:27pm
