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enemies everywhere

I see enemies everywhere
And have done for a long time now
I must be alone as much as possible
I trust nothing
I see enemies in everything
The devil is always in the details
Though god remains in the gaps
The intentions preemptively second guessed
Nothing but fear, paralyzing perpetual fear
A dark place to dwell, hidden behind a veil of delusion
A cultivated, perceived web of deceit
Surrounded by phantom gestures
Seeing too much of everything
Joining dots which couldn't be
Unless it was supposed to look that way
A designer of conspiracies
Caught up in the mass of theoretical betrayals
There's no helping the captured
Cornered and ragged
In protest of everything supposedly trusted
A denial of humanities supposed good nature
Martyrs for the cause of self validation
Sometimes I can barely move
And when I do it's in anger, hesitant anger
A hesitant spring as of a coiled snake
More like a cat jumping at shadows
With so little life left to lose
I claw at degraded fantasies to which I used to escape
Only to find them stifled and blurred
Barely even dreaming anymore these days
Rarely sleeping, but sleeping deep
Waking as if I hadn't
Twitching the sporadic rhythms of a nervous breakdown
I go with the motions, erratic as they are
Remembering when the wells weren't all poisoned
When the friends weren't all "in on it"
Whatever it is.
When groups weren't networks
And looking out wasn't keeping tabs
When chats weren't in private
And discussions weren't just overheard
When I didn't dread company
When I didn't fear my tendencies to defend
Defending what, I never knew
And still don't
Perhaps just defending my space
The only place where I'm not on edge
Where I don't wish to tear down the walls
And fight an unwanted war in the name of freedoms undeserved
Where I can just be
Without obligation or expectation
To make music, write, read, listen, paint
Decorate, design, grow food, build
And all the other things I somehow need to do
The things I crave, yearn and obsess over
And everyone, everything is a distraction
Everything conspires to tear me away from what I love
Everything conspires to destroy and bend me to it's will
To break and adjust me, to make me fit
Fit to what? talk inane bollocks to the bland behind a till
Follow in a trade for no reason beyond money
To blankly stare my days away craving something else
You are all enemies at times
anyone
Enemies who social decorum dictates I must abide
I must be polite, that's just "how it is"
And it's certainly how I am
Keep to myself, and don't bother no one
And I expect the same courtesy
No worrying about me in that all too human manner
No unheeded concern
No suggestions of this or that
No walks or hanging out
I have my burrow
And it is a dark place to dwell
But everyone is an enemy at times
So I stay here
Surrounded by staring fields
Living horizons
And stalking helicopters
Where I can sometimes be free
To create tarnished records of spent time
rectifying the days spent falsely smiling in company
I am busy only in solitude
Which I habituate to, deeper every day
Written by A_Conduit (Behappy - Bhairava)
Published
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