Reflections

I’m convinced you can feel the storms that rage in the depths of me because you know just how to pacify me, and I should’ve been more patient & gentle with you.  Admittedly, I haven’t honed those skills.  
     
A decade of coming and going spans between us, and in that time there’s been tears but mostly years filled with awe, love, camaraderie and hope. From immersing myself entirely in you, to branching out and leaving but I always come back to peek at you    
     
Don’t understand why you’re in the matrix but gazing at the loveliness of your gentle heart, always makes me pull up.      
     
I read the writing on your wall, after you said good evening, and that aptly captures the energy vortex that flows between us, and I know you feel it too.
     
I want the urgency of you - exactly as you outlined as you fill me to the brim until I’m bursting & trembling as the rhythm of our breath synchronises, whilst we give our hearts the chance to harmonise.    
     
You also denied me good morning but I snuck a peek at that too before you decided to do what you do, and snatch them both from my sight.  

I was a former detective in another lifetime; and I’m a people watcher that pays attention to trends and details.   
   
Albeit, I was a half asleep and drowsy, they were the cause for me to ponder you beyond the slamming of a door. Made me feel bad about being a moody resting bitchface, the day before.
   
Maybe, it’s a protective behaviour as you hide the lie that has oft become me !? There’s nothing capable of becoming, from that perspective.    
   
You’re pretty good at that, and you defy the rules of engagement when consistency is king, and enables us to take flight.    
   
If only you stayed the course, and remained consistent as opposed to shady & secretive, we may have emerged but I’m still here trying to kickstart this thing.  
     
Why are you so oblique,  when I’m trying to be open & transparent ?! What’s there to hide ?! You got someone else on the side, or am I on the side of you & another ?    
   
All pertinent questions that consume me but I’m learning to let things slide as none of that matters, simply because I don’t matter to you in your world.    
   
I call bullshit on that !  
   
It’s apparent that we both want to nourish one another but I don’t trust you with my heart, and you don’t trust me.    
   
You’ve fractured me repeatedly, and I’ve done the same to you too. May we learn from such as there is no alternative but to walk away.  
     
And at the slamming of a door, you wrote those three words on your page, and I let that sink in because deep down, I love you too.  
   
I’m in love with the idea of exploring love with you, and all those things that you keep locked & hidden away, deep inside your heart. Things, that haven’t seen the light of day let alone have had a light shone upon to draw them out to trigger a healing.  
   
I wanna know what keeps you awake at night and pains you, and what consoles, and heals you.  
     
I lost count how many times I’ve tried to rationalise the situation, and I just can’t.  
   
I’m not the enemy but I’m still learning to navigate the unfinished business that lingers in the depth of you to enable those things to take flight as opposed to weighing you down.  
     
I like the idea of growing softly into one another - your beautiful words not mine, but I’m comfortable showing myself to you.    
 
Golden. Wanted. Treasured. Yes, that’s how I gaze upon you too. You’re a beautiful man but the caging you’ve mentioned over the years hints at your sufferance, and it’s OK to be walking wounded for none of us walk this earthly plane unscathed.  
     
Tears stream, and I’m left somewhat bereft over the fact that I reckon all the gods are fucking demented because they put us both on the matrix, where there’s limited scope for us to ever truly merge, and blossom.  
   
I don’t always swear like a trooper, but I can’t help myself, sometimes.    
     
I wanna translate all the ways in which we fit together like lovers do, so as to not make the same mistakes I have with others, with you.      
     
I can’t always promise to be there for you during 9 to 5 as work takes me away but I’m only a text or a phonecall away. I wanna find that sweetspot with you, and be able to sustain you, whatever that might look like to you.      
     
Indoors. Outdoors. During a soft drizzle, underneath the sun, in the ocean or on a blanket beneath the stars, instead of working myself up to the point of frustration, before being short & sharp with you as if that’s going to solve things.    
     
I wanna cook up a storm with you in the kitchen and savour long kisses whilst you pull me into you, only god knows where that may lead as we take a moment to allow the depth of our unspoken passion to take flight.    
     
Evidently, I’m emotional but being a smidgen hormonal amplifies things. Being active outdoors takes the edge off of that stuff for me. The hot flushes in the middle of Winter have driven me insane, I just can’t imagine how you would’ve coped with all that, even if you were accessible.      
     
I don’t really think any of the aforementioned would’ve mattered as we’d be close enough to make magic, whether it be deep & hard, soft & gentle or a quick moment whilst on the run as we won’t count the chances we make together, whilst enjoying the present for the gift that it truly is.    
     
Don’t know why you hide your feelings but just in case you didn’t notice, I’m a salty frisky little mermaid, and I’ll swim the depths of your ocean with devotion until I find the hidden pieces that you may need healing.    
     
I hope we make it but it’s OK if we don’t.