deepundergroundpoetry.com
Giotto's Angel
I watched you take it in,
this ceilinged fresco
of the soaring angel with kohl eyes
and wind chaffed cheek.
I watched then how a broadened smile
so sly, began to trace itself upon your lips
just as I hoped it would,
when you were overcome
within a feathered sigh
by all the heavened sight of him,
and how you soft began to raise your hand
unconsciously
towards his outstretched arm
as if it might be possible
to touch the blessing,
his white fingers offered you;
Oh, how your gaze,
drawn to the dappled wonder there surrounding him,
went up and up and up
arousing such a new fierce light of knowing in your eyes.
And this, yes this,
was why his halo glowed,
and why his wings were fluttering.
To merge you with the lyric glory
in his veil pieced sky.
this ceilinged fresco
of the soaring angel with kohl eyes
and wind chaffed cheek.
I watched then how a broadened smile
so sly, began to trace itself upon your lips
just as I hoped it would,
when you were overcome
within a feathered sigh
by all the heavened sight of him,
and how you soft began to raise your hand
unconsciously
towards his outstretched arm
as if it might be possible
to touch the blessing,
his white fingers offered you;
Oh, how your gaze,
drawn to the dappled wonder there surrounding him,
went up and up and up
arousing such a new fierce light of knowing in your eyes.
And this, yes this,
was why his halo glowed,
and why his wings were fluttering.
To merge you with the lyric glory
in his veil pieced sky.
Published 27th Aug 2021
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Aug 2021 4:38pm
Baldwin says: ... of the soaring angel with kohl eyes.
Shouldn't it be: of the soaring angel with kohled eyes.
Shouldn't it be: of the soaring angel with kohled eyes.
Perhaps. It could also be "kohl lined eyes.
But as this page shows, there is nothing wrong with the expression "with kohl eyes".
https://eccobella.com/dramatic-kohl-eyes/
Now perhaps your turn to saying something more substantial about whether my piece does or doesn't show depth of feeling and/or how and why its subject is not appropriate for poetry.
You might also go on to tell shadow_starzzz why her comment shows that she knows nothing about what makes for good, let alone, evocative poetry.
But as this page shows, there is nothing wrong with the expression "with kohl eyes".
https://eccobella.com/dramatic-kohl-eyes/
Now perhaps your turn to saying something more substantial about whether my piece does or doesn't show depth of feeling and/or how and why its subject is not appropriate for poetry.
You might also go on to tell shadow_starzzz why her comment shows that she knows nothing about what makes for good, let alone, evocative poetry.
29th Aug 2021 6:11pm
For me, l don't accept, WITH KOHL EYES, because KOHL is not an adjective.
Fair enough (though WITH KOHL EYES should have been set off by you with quotation marks, not commas).
But your statement is somewhat ironic in that you have claimed, if only implicitly, the right to use nouns as adjectives and adjectives as nouns and transitive verbs as intransitive ones and to leave out things in a line that grammar demands should be there in order to ensure that the intended rhythm of a line is true to form.
In any case, do you think that my committing one small grammatical infelicity in one line not only renders the whole of the submission to be one that fails to be poetry, but also makes evaluations of it such as that given by shadow_starzzz wholly uninformed and lacking in perspicacity?
But your statement is somewhat ironic in that you have claimed, if only implicitly, the right to use nouns as adjectives and adjectives as nouns and transitive verbs as intransitive ones and to leave out things in a line that grammar demands should be there in order to ensure that the intended rhythm of a line is true to form.
In any case, do you think that my committing one small grammatical infelicity in one line not only renders the whole of the submission to be one that fails to be poetry, but also makes evaluations of it such as that given by shadow_starzzz wholly uninformed and lacking in perspicacity?
29th Aug 2021 6:57pm
OK. Let's say I go ahead and edit that line to read "kohled eyes."
Would you go on to claim that the submission lacks depth of feeling and does not present the sort of subject that, in your eyes, a writing has to present for it to be poetry? If so, on what basis would you do so?
Would you go on to claim that the submission lacks depth of feeling and does not present the sort of subject that, in your eyes, a writing has to present for it to be poetry? If so, on what basis would you do so?
