A Sick Girls Anger Party

There are times when I hide in my room
Angry and bitter I sit here and write
Wanting and wishing that I was different
That being sick didn't bring out the worst in me
I close my eyes and push my fingers against my bruised
Wishing for pain to settle the need for punishment
I never want to be touched when I feel like this
But what I wouldn't give to have a long hug
Where Im the one leaning  and not being leaned on
I am the strong one, I am the eldest, the rescuer
But when I just want to be cared for
To be held close and loved on
I become the emotional equivalent of a porcupine
Full of sharp comments and sarcastic remarks
You won't see how much I struggle if you're angry with me
There's so many things I can control most days
But my body betrays me and all I can do
Is sit here and be angry that this is my life
There will be no grand adventures for me
No smokey bars with sticky floors with regular brawls
No muddy cliffs to hike recklessly up or down
There will be no choking mind blowing sex
My life is nothing but a beautiful, stable thing
Because god fucking forbid I fall and scrap a knee
There is no excitement in staying alive as long as I can
It's routine, it's grocery lists and school registration
Doctors appointments that can't be missed
Blood tech that dont know shit and leave me scarred
At least until the next blood clot takes my life
There's a time bomb produced by my bones
An everlasting ticking from deep within
And I can not help but be so angry that I can't be
A gentle fading flower that doctors rush to save
I'm the death wish filled cautious nightmare
Joking about my own death to keep myself from crying
I've been dealing with this 8 months  
And this attitude of mine hasnt gotten any better
I wish the blood clot had taken me because this isn't living