The Fold

"We are human beings not human doings"

It's funny that I wrote this two years ago
Because here I am having to
learn this lesson

My life feels so free right now
Yet I do feel anxious about my future
For the first time in my life I had nothing to do for months
It's crazy because I only had a form of escapism when I was working
Yet this year it was just me and my thoughts

It was a roller-coaster because I had so many days in which I felt down.
I'd feel good one day and just wake up
In a shitty mood the next
I realise now that I was just processing

I am glad that I learned earlier in life
To feel emotions for what they are
Then release them, let them go.

However what I was dealing with was too big to get over in a day.
I really didn't like the way my life was starting to pan out.
Nothing hectic was going on
But the thing is I was starting to settle.

I got used to the monthly salary
Whilst allowing myself to be overlooked
I needed the job but I traded off
Something I never thought I'd lose:
My Esteem

Now I am grateful for the pause my life is in because it has allowed me to really question who I am and what I am about.

I had to get rid of accumulated feelings
So that I could be open to newer ones;
More positive ones and the acceptance of where I am in life.

However don't get me wrong
What I inevitably did was return to
A state of hunger
I look at my own potential and
I am so hungry for success

A part of me feels like I don't have many shots left to get my life going
Yet I also don't want to go back to where I was: I must keep moving.

I am not getting any younger
I do know this but I know the level of my own work.
I know that I am the best player any team could have.
The difference is that
I now lead my own charge.

I have to take the few shots I have left
Because what good is freedom
If one lives it on their knees?
What good is potential
If it is never fulfilled?

What good is life
If you never live it?