Mid July 2012 (part 4)

Thursday Day Four 26/7/12
 
I feel sick and restless in the evening. Unable to sleep. I live alone in a Studio in North London. There is no partner or wife, no “other half”, although that will change one day, hopefully.
 
I switch on the radio and inhale furiously on the Nicorette Inhalator, desperate for relief from the cravings. I sleep with the light on and listen to pop music from childhood, caught in a mixture of past, present and future.
 
Yeah, life’s complex. Life rarely works out as one expects. After I graduated from Dartington College of Arts, I stayed in Devon for a bit, but I couldn’t find work and I couldn’t deal with the growing anxiety that would strike when I walked down busy streets.
 
Eventually, through a series of unexpected events, I found myself in London, studying piano on a scholarship. Despite the general anxiety, I became a performer. A piano recitalist. I played at Edinburgh University and at St Mary’s Cathedral as part of the Fringe Festival. At one point, I was giving two or three recitals a week. I loved the buzz of it and wanted to excel.  
 
Nine years have elapsed since I won the scholarship, and recently I’ve considered making a CD of my piano playing, as I already have a number of audio tracks on the computer and online.  
 
I sleep with the music on in the background, to ward off the monsters and ghosts that love to come out at night.
 
 
***
 
My first week as a non-smoker comes to an end. My second. I borrow books on relaxation and breathing techniques, and practise the techniques at home. I had no idea how fast my breathing actually was, but now I discover that I’ve been breathing at a rate of 17 or 18 breaths a minutes, possibly more. Definitely unhealthy.
 
I lie on my bed and place a book on my stomach, an aid to deepen breathing and activate the relaxation response (Parasympathetic Nervous System). My breathing rate slows, although I have to do the exercises often.
 
I manage not to smoke, even under extreme pressure, but I rely heavily on the Nicorette. Sometimes, I take too much in and feel sick and jittery afterwards.
 
Meanwhile, even with the Nicorette, my body misses the cigarettes and seems to go in revolt and I suffer with frequent stomach cramps and bad breath.
 
Still, I don’t relapse, despite enjoying black coffee and red wine. And by the time I arrive in Lytham, Fylde, for a weekend away, I haven’t smoked for about a month.