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Monologue with Evil within.

A llittle introduction, this is a personal journal entry. This was written after 7 days of barely any sleep. After reading it again I think my fellow members can appreciate it's subject and style.

And again we are here. Back to the place where I began. Round an round I go on the carousel of life. Taken for a spin waiting to get of again. From simple glee to manic laughter, this one has it all. I don’t expect anyone to understand that I’m not living this life alone while being deprived of family and friend. I do have people I call family, hell I have got children too. But even when surrounded by the things I should love most, I’m still lonely. I can’t understand why I can’t feel. I don’t understand why I can’t love people anymore. I would call it abuse. A father that doesn’t give love or affection to his children and wife. What kind of a husband am I? In the clear white light in the middle of the road I wake up just in time to get out of the way. The truck barely misses. Horns sound like screams yelling at me, “COWARD!”. As I get back on the sidewalk to catch my breath I hear his voice in my head telling me the same thing, “COWARD!”. You were so close to ending it. Why did you move? You wanted to end it all didn’t you? What is wrong with me? I can’t abandon my friends an family like this.  Why not Stefan, what would have happened if you just waited another 2 seconds? You would have been fresh blood and torn flesh smeared over the asphalt. You would have been nothing more that a heap of roadkill that some poor shmuck has to clean up. Your family would move on, your kids would grow up without you and maybe your wife would find a man that does love her. Then we also hove your friends, do you think they will remember you? Mourn your passing? I think not. The world is better of without you. Your children are better of without a father so dysfunctional as you. You can’t give them what they need. You can’t even give yourself the proper attention, despicable. Was that it for today? Were those all the words you could muster from you filthy mouth? I’m not afraid of you. I had a moment of weakness that’s all. I just need to be more careful next time. Yeah, I need to be more aware of what I’m doing. I can’t just doze of in my thoughts. I can’t let you take control over me. I need to be sharp to be able to battle you. Sharpen your edges all you want, you are no match for me. I will always strike when you least expect it Stefan. You can’t run nor hide from me either. I always turn up again and again like the carousel of your dreams. Going round and round and round. In circles we dance until we once again meet at the middle next to the laughing mirrors with the distorted reflections of us intertwining. We are one, you and I. You can’t make me go away. You can’t ignore the voices anymore Stefan. You know we are here. You know we won’t leave. This is you brain telling you that you are insane. Not normal like the other. It’s a miracle that you can function at all. Your colleagues haven’t noticed it yet, but I can tell that that won’t take long. You are acting up more and more. Having strange behaviors and weird mood swings. It’s just a matter of time before they see you for who you really are. A freak, a monster not fit for this world. They will come after you with pitchforks and torches just like in the tales of old. You will not be remembered as the playful helpful guy behind the desk but as the towns fool, the deceiver of hundreds of people. Does that make you angry? Does that make you sad Stefan? Do you feel anything at all. Of course you don’t, you can’t feel anything while laying on the floor curled up in a pitiful little ball of despair and loneliness. Weak pathetic fool. That truck’s front fender should look real inviting now Stefan. Don’t you think so? Well I’ll leave you to it for now. Don’t disappoint me. Of course I won’t, I’ll always be you loyal servant.

I'm sorry Sonja, Kenji, fay and Mariëlle. I almost ended it all because of the delusions and disasosiation from my very beingI hope you can forgive me for I have done it again.
Written by Vortex32167 (Stephan van Pinksteren)
Published
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