Self Therapy Love Song Number Five

I love you.

How many times a day do I
Utter these words in my mind?

II.

But do I really love you?

No.

I hate you.

I hate you for lying to me.

I hate you for telling me
You loved me,
That you wanted me to be yours.

I hate you for all your lies
And manipulation.

You're just a guy staying in my house.

That's all you are to me now.

I'm going to get over you.

I'm going to learn to see you as ugly.

III.

I'm hideously bored
since you came into my life.

Why is that?

It's difficult to find pleasure
In things I once enjoyed.

I wanted to clean the house tonight.
I drank a lot of coffee.
I'm sick and wired now.
Did I clean? Barely.

IV.

May love carry me today.

I want to get the house clean.

Want to fill it up with food.

For you.

But at the same time,
I need to get selfish.

Because I'm floundering again.

I put my makeup on.
I don't feel pretty.
I look...

Old.
Maybe it's because I am old.
I'm not your age.
I'm not 24.
I'm 47 years old.

I wanted to look pretty for you today.

I feel like I failed.

I'm already ready to throw
In the towel on the day.
It hasn't even begun yet.

You still sleep.

Of course you do.

Twenty minutes until you wake up.

Of course I count the minutes.

I hate you.

V.

I don't understand you.

You had sex with me three times.

You won't speak to me now.

What did I do?

All I can do is mirror your actions.
That is my only weapon.

I'm simply going to stop talking to you.

It hurts. I'm not like that. I'm a talker.

I ache to express myself to you.

What did I do that was so wrong?

I guess I'm not going to get over
This pain until I'm away from you.

But you live with me.

You don't care that you're
Hurting me.

I feel sick of life.

VI.

My life has ground to a halt.

I'm not interested in my friends.

I'm not interested in anything.

And I know you're using me.

I'm the only one who
Can cure this disease.

But you have nowhere else to go.

Not even with your mom,
Whom I'm friends with now.
Whom I talk to every day
On the phone.

I'm a real fool, aren't I.

Maybe someday I'll laugh at
All this. Maybe someday
The pain of you will be over.

It sounds nice.