Gods and bugs

I don't want to die but I don't want to live.    
I am too tired to exist.  
But there are so many goals I have already achieved.  
I am in too deep. †  
I'm too deep in this life to make it all go away with a single sweep of a knife. †  
I've lived too long not to think I would be bored if I were gone. †  
I've seen so many things without which I do not think I could live. †  
I know so many things that I'm scared of what might be if my brain stopped working. †  

But the thing is that the things I don't know are the things I truly want to know. †  
All the questions without answers bother me. †  
I want to know where do we go when we die and if there is such a thing as afterlife is it forever or will I be thrown into this pond of life for a second time. †  
I don't know if I can handle having a second life. †  
To be thrown into this ocean of life like a pebble and sink to the bottom until I die. †  

And I can't stop thinking about how if I was Eve no apple would tempt me. †  
And I can't stop resenting god for making temptations that ruin paradise. †  
I really do think he hates us and that we're just playthings to him. †  
Puppets on a string. †  
Worms beneath his feet. †  
We're to him what ants and bugs are to us. †  
We're worthless as dust. †  
Because when you go kill a bug you don't stop to think if it has a family. †  
If it enjoys life or if it hurts to get squashed. †    
You crush it without remorse and flush it down the toilet simply because it's gross. †  
I don't want to be a bug. †  
I want to be more like god.
Written by Swan37
Published | Edited 25th Jul 2021
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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