Self Therapy Love Song

for J.

I've fallen for you.

What am I going to do?

I think of you all the time now.

Look at me right now,
sitting in the car, wondering what
I'm going to do with the day
while you sleep.
It's only obvious I'm just killing time, waiting for you to wake up.

He's not yours, I suddenly think.

I begin to cry.

You're not mine. You'll never be mine.

But I think of you all the time.


I didn't want you to be homeless.

When she kicked you out, I took you in.

You're 24.

I'm 47.

I want you to feel safe, I told you.
I don't have any ulterior motives.
I don't want your money.
Just help me clean.


I wanted to take care of you.
Protect you.
I ignored the pulling in my gut
at your beautiful, boyish face.

Why then, that first night,
did you do what you did?

Close your eyes, you said.

Suddenly, your lips on mine.

Your teeth at my throat.

In my bed, you grabbed my hair.

This is wrong, I whispered.

I don't fucking care, you rasped harshly
in my ear.
Fucking ride me.

I moaned in pleasure.


If my landlord finds out about you,
I'll lose my apartment.

I have nowhere else to go.

You have nowhere else to go.

You've had a hard life.

I'm not sure
who hates themselves more,
you or me.

I traced your razor scars with my tongue.

I showed you mine.

You sleep now.

I will cry so hard when I kick you out.

On the depression boards that's what
they all tell me to do.

I have bipolar depression,
but you know that.
I have a lot of issues.
And I'm an extremely sensitive person.

But you know everything about me,

Don't you.


I was doing well before I met you.

The meds were working.
I felt happy and strong and independent
for the first time in my life.

I had bought a car.
A piece of shit but it runs.

I take you to work.

I pick you up from work.

I watch you sleep now.

There's an angel in repose on my couch.

I ache to touch you.

My lover.

My son.

When the time comes for you to leave,
I will sob and shake with tears.

But I know it must be done.


Thank you. For everything.

For what you made me feel.

Even though I don't want you to leave.


I love you.
Written by toniscales (Lost Girl)
Author's Note
Poetry as therapy.
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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