sleep deprivation

Why do floorboards creak?      
I know I can just google it, but I actually don't care         
It's just a question I ask myself when it's 3 am and I go to the kitchen to eat peanut butter with jam        
Sometimes I eat it with a spoon and sometimes with bread         
I don't know why I do it. Probably because I can       
   
I'm not scared of the dark or the things that lurk inside but sometimes when I lay in bed I feel like I'm being watched by a man         
I'm not scared of the dark but I guess that sometimes I am      
   
Why does time seem to stand still when I get scared?         
Why does a moment last forever and the night never ends?         
         
And the thing is I'm not scared to get murdered in my sleep      
And I'm not scared of death, I just don't want a brutal one      
I'd prefer a peaceful one instead         
I want to drown and breathe in saltwater  
I want my body to sink to the bottom of an ocean
I want to fall from the highest building and feel like I flew right before I died         
I want to fall slowly at first. Take it all in and then go fast-- faster than the speed of light, faster than any human can survive-- right before the impact hurts
 
At night when I sleep I dream of weird things like running through a cactus field      
And when I touch them it doesn't hurt and I don't bleed        
Like running your fingers across a grater my mom uses for cheese
        
But sometimes I dream that it's nighttime and I'm driving a car         
It swerves on the road from left to right, yet it leaves no skid marks        
I crash into a tree, but I'm fine        
Maybe my dreams tell me I want a reality with no consequences, but I'm not sure         
I haven't read too much into it yet because it makes my head hurt  
     
I dream of people running after me, burning me so I die, or cutting me open with a knife  
In those moments I'm not scared, but I still fight for my life because no one is going to kill me before my time
        
My last thoughts always go back to my brother         
I wish he would smash my phone so no one can know who I was         
I wish he’d burn all the poems I wrote       
I just wish that every last trace of me was gone        
        
And my dreams aren't the reason I hate to sleep        
I don’t dream of getting murdered every night, but it happens more often than I would like
I don't mind running away from people with guns and knives because it makes me feel alive         
Sure I don't survive every single time, but I guess that's alright
I don't particularly mind     
   
I'm just tired of life      
Not always in a way that makes me want to shrivel up and die        
Sometimes I'm just too tired to exist      
And I can't bear to think        
My mind won't rest     
Since the moment I have been born I don't think it was ever blank         
 
My thoughts aren't always bad       
They are just tiring and I cringe every time I rhyme in my head         
I know I'm privileged and blessed, it's just that my brain is a mess and I wish I could shake off every single thought I ever had