deepundergroundpoetry.com
WHAT CAN BE DONE?
WHAT CAN BE DONE?
He was strong with big muscles and bones,
but he had a small mind, and numb heart.
A girl shouted for help and he heard,
blindly rushed with the crowds to her side.
Her eyes were asking them for revenge
and the people around looked at him.
The strong man was fond of showing strength
and of winning the hearts of sly girls.
He was cruel on the man who was scared
of the crowd and their champion who were
keen on showing that they were so strong
to save who seemed nice but was fork tongued.
The poor man looked around without hope.
He was caught by the snake and wild wolves.
Man is poor when he falls in the hands
of a group who has lost self remorse.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
He was strong with big muscles and bones,
but he had a small mind, and numb heart.
A girl shouted for help and he heard,
blindly rushed with the crowds to her side.
Her eyes were asking them for revenge
and the people around looked at him.
The strong man was fond of showing strength
and of winning the hearts of sly girls.
He was cruel on the man who was scared
of the crowd and their champion who were
keen on showing that they were so strong
to save who seemed nice but was fork tongued.
The poor man looked around without hope.
He was caught by the snake and wild wolves.
Man is poor when he falls in the hands
of a group who has lost self remorse.
BY JOSEPH ZENIEH
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
____________________________________
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
21st May 2021 11:29pm
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
21st May 2021 11:34pm
Thank you very much, Ahavati, for your very kind comment. I see the contents of this poem in our daily life.
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
22nd May 2021 10:56pm
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
23rd May 2021 7:45am
Thank you very much, Lozzamus. Your highly appreciated encouragement means a lot to me.
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
Deixis deixis everywhere
with missing articles to boot,
and commas used
in places where they should not go,
and grammar gaffes
in how some plural verbs
do not agree in number with
the subject of this writing’s lines.
And then didacticism swerves in
at the end and rears
its pompous head
This writing is a mangled hoot.
But more importantly,
the meaning of this piece
is hardly clear because
its wording is inscrutable
For instance, there’s the reference to
a group of people's “self remorse”.
Is not the phrase
a notable redundancy?
Remorse is always
something personal, one’s own
and does not need to have its referent
described.
And if we see what rules of syntax bids us do
i.e., to see the phrase must mean
“remorse of self”,
should then we all agree
that what is referenced by the phrase
are guilty, brooding, feelings of regret
for being who it is one’s always been
and who one is?
with missing articles to boot,
and commas used
in places where they should not go,
and grammar gaffes
in how some plural verbs
do not agree in number with
the subject of this writing’s lines.
And then didacticism swerves in
at the end and rears
its pompous head
This writing is a mangled hoot.
But more importantly,
the meaning of this piece
is hardly clear because
its wording is inscrutable
For instance, there’s the reference to
a group of people's “self remorse”.
Is not the phrase
a notable redundancy?
Remorse is always
something personal, one’s own
and does not need to have its referent
described.
And if we see what rules of syntax bids us do
i.e., to see the phrase must mean
“remorse of self”,
should then we all agree
that what is referenced by the phrase
are guilty, brooding, feelings of regret
for being who it is one’s always been
and who one is?
0
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
23rd May 2021 11:27pm
Re: Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
So this means that what your sycophants say about your piece is nonsense since one doesn't specify any of the "many ways" in which he thinks your piece is "true", let alone the particular "truths" your piece supposedly lays out and the other doesn't say what it is about your "style" of writing that is "compelling"
And I DID specify an instance of where what you intended to convey was unclear (i.e., the expression "self remorse"). Funny that you ignored responding to that.
But as to some specifics:
The comma after "mind" in this line
"but he had a small mind, and numb heart".
is misplaced and unnecessary since you are not noting a series of the things that your muscled man possessed. And you should have written "and A numb heart" for the line to be grammatically correct.
The statement that
"A girl shouted for help and he heard,
blindly rushed with the crowds to her side".
Is unclear since there's no indication of what the girl needed help for, and the statement itself is muddled and question making. Did the muscled man really "blindly" rush to where the girl was? Did he not have a reason for doing so (i.e., he wanted to see what was causing her to cry out)? Did you mean "hurriedly"?
Moreover, you should have written
Hearing a girl cry out for help,
he, along with a curious crowd,
rushed to her side.
This makes far more sense than your lines do, is far more grammatically sound than your lines presently are, and avoids the deictic expression "the (which?) crowd".
Furthermore, it is wholly unclear what the girl who cried out for help wanted revenge for, let alone whether she was justified in wanting it and upon whom she wanted revenge extracted.
And the expression "cruel on" is a solecism. One is "cruel to" another, not "cruel on".
And I DID specify an instance of where what you intended to convey was unclear (i.e., the expression "self remorse"). Funny that you ignored responding to that.
But as to some specifics:
The comma after "mind" in this line
"but he had a small mind, and numb heart".
is misplaced and unnecessary since you are not noting a series of the things that your muscled man possessed. And you should have written "and A numb heart" for the line to be grammatically correct.
The statement that
"A girl shouted for help and he heard,
blindly rushed with the crowds to her side".
Is unclear since there's no indication of what the girl needed help for, and the statement itself is muddled and question making. Did the muscled man really "blindly" rush to where the girl was? Did he not have a reason for doing so (i.e., he wanted to see what was causing her to cry out)? Did you mean "hurriedly"?
Moreover, you should have written
Hearing a girl cry out for help,
he, along with a curious crowd,
rushed to her side.
This makes far more sense than your lines do, is far more grammatically sound than your lines presently are, and avoids the deictic expression "the (which?) crowd".
Furthermore, it is wholly unclear what the girl who cried out for help wanted revenge for, let alone whether she was justified in wanting it and upon whom she wanted revenge extracted.
And the expression "cruel on" is a solecism. One is "cruel to" another, not "cruel on".
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Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
"but he had a small mind, and numb heart."
1-The comma before AND is correct. It is a series of enumeration of two words, which you can join with comma+ and. Here you can join them with comma or without it as they are the last two words.
2- According to AND A NUMB HEART, The repeated items after , AND can be omitted because A is used wit A SMALL MIND, so there is no necessity to repeat A with a numb heart.
3- l am sorry for CRUEL. It should be followed by TO.
4-BTW, you've made a mistake in your quotation "A girl shouted.......to her side." You place the full stop after the speech marks. It must be before them because the meaning inside the speech marks is full. Thank you for your great interest, Baldwin.
5- please correct DIECTIC.
1-The comma before AND is correct. It is a series of enumeration of two words, which you can join with comma+ and. Here you can join them with comma or without it as they are the last two words.
2- According to AND A NUMB HEART, The repeated items after , AND can be omitted because A is used wit A SMALL MIND, so there is no necessity to repeat A with a numb heart.
3- l am sorry for CRUEL. It should be followed by TO.
4-BTW, you've made a mistake in your quotation "A girl shouted.......to her side." You place the full stop after the speech marks. It must be before them because the meaning inside the speech marks is full. Thank you for your great interest, Baldwin.
5- please correct DIECTIC.
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
"BTW, you've made a mistake in your quotation "A girl shouted.......to her side." You place the full stop after the speech marks. It must be before them because the meaning inside the speech marks is full".
Since I was quoting something you wrote [which is not someone's speech], the full stop outside of the **quotation** marks that I used to signify that the words within them were yours is appropriate.
In any case, leave it to you to focus on matters trivial and to prescind from speaking directly to the points I made about the linguistic awkwardness of what I quoted and how it doesn't say what you were apparently trying to say.
BTW, did you mean "a series of nominations"[full stop]? "a series of nomination of two words" is not only a solecism; it also does not describe what your series is, since, as Longman nots "nomination" means:
1 ... the act of officially suggesting someone or something for a position, duty, or prize, or the fact of being suggested for it
Who will get the Republican nomination for president?
All the committee’s nominations were approved.
2 the name of a book, film, actor etc that has been suggested to receive an honour or prize
The nominations for the Academy Awards were announced
Tuesday.
3 the act of giving someone a particular job, or the fact of being given that job
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/nomination
And given that you separate the phrases "small mind" and "numb heart" with a comma, the "a" of the first phrase does not apply to the second phrase.
Note what Grammarly says about how your doing so is a mistake:
Comma Between Two Nouns in a Compound Subject or Object
Don’t separate two nouns that appear together as a compound subject or compound object.
Incorrect Cleo, and her band will be playing at Dockside Diner next
Friday.
Correct Cleo and her band will be playing at Dockside Diner next
Friday.
Incorrect Cleo will wear a sparkly red blazer, and high heels.
Correct Cleo will wear a sparkly red blazer and high heels.
When a subject or object is made up of two items and the second item is parenthetical, you can set off the second item with commas—one before it and one after it. But you don’t need a comma when you’re simply listing two items.
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/
Since I was quoting something you wrote [which is not someone's speech], the full stop outside of the **quotation** marks that I used to signify that the words within them were yours is appropriate.
In any case, leave it to you to focus on matters trivial and to prescind from speaking directly to the points I made about the linguistic awkwardness of what I quoted and how it doesn't say what you were apparently trying to say.
BTW, did you mean "a series of nominations"[full stop]? "a series of nomination of two words" is not only a solecism; it also does not describe what your series is, since, as Longman nots "nomination" means:
1 ... the act of officially suggesting someone or something for a position, duty, or prize, or the fact of being suggested for it
Who will get the Republican nomination for president?
All the committee’s nominations were approved.
2 the name of a book, film, actor etc that has been suggested to receive an honour or prize
The nominations for the Academy Awards were announced
Tuesday.
3 the act of giving someone a particular job, or the fact of being given that job
https://www.ldoceonline.com/dictionary/nomination
And given that you separate the phrases "small mind" and "numb heart" with a comma, the "a" of the first phrase does not apply to the second phrase.
Note what Grammarly says about how your doing so is a mistake:
Comma Between Two Nouns in a Compound Subject or Object
Don’t separate two nouns that appear together as a compound subject or compound object.
Incorrect Cleo, and her band will be playing at Dockside Diner next
Friday.
Correct Cleo and her band will be playing at Dockside Diner next
Friday.
Incorrect Cleo will wear a sparkly red blazer, and high heels.
Correct Cleo will wear a sparkly red blazer and high heels.
When a subject or object is made up of two items and the second item is parenthetical, you can set off the second item with commas—one before it and one after it. But you don’t need a comma when you’re simply listing two items.
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/comma/
0
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
24th May 2021 10:17pm
Before l answer you, l would say that your first paragraph is not correct. Please have another look at it.
Re: Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
24th May 2021 10:21pm
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
24th May 2021 10:41pm
No, it is not appropriate. Quotation is quotation.
Why didn't you answer no 5?
Why didn't you answer no 5?
Re: Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
Why didn't you answer no 5?
Was #5 a question?
Why are you still focusing on trivial matters and avoiding the substantial ones?
Was #5 a question?
Why are you still focusing on trivial matters and avoiding the substantial ones?
0
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
Because you insist on trivial matters and leave the essentials. Why don't you appreciate the poetical ideas before looking at a mistake here or there? There is no one who is perfect. Have you ever thought that your poetry is perfect?
Re: Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
25th May 2021 00:28am
Re: Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
What I think about the nature of what I write has nothing to do with whether my claims that your piece is disjointed, poorly written, and often unintelligible are on the mark, let alone only focused on trivialities.
BTW, what kind of English is "Because you insist on trivial matters .." given that "insist on" means "To need **to do** a particular thing, in spite of others' annoyance or discouragement" , "To require or dictate that something happen"; "to demand something"?
BTW, what kind of English is "Because you insist on trivial matters .." given that "insist on" means "To need **to do** a particular thing, in spite of others' annoyance or discouragement" , "To require or dictate that something happen"; "to demand something"?
0
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
Will a man with a mind that is numb
be moved into rescuing action
by a loud shout for help that he hears
or will he act like the bum that he is
and respond not to heart wrenching cries?
And why would he want to make efforts
to save any girl whose loud pleas for salvation
were forked-tongued creations
and nothing but vengeance filled lies?
be moved into rescuing action
by a loud shout for help that he hears
or will he act like the bum that he is
and respond not to heart wrenching cries?
And why would he want to make efforts
to save any girl whose loud pleas for salvation
were forked-tongued creations
and nothing but vengeance filled lies?
0
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
25th May 2021 1:30pm
I told you why in the poem. It's very obvious. Don't you understand poetry, dear poet?
Re: Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
Leaving aside the question of what a "poetical idea" is or what it is that makes an idea (a conception existing in the mind as a result of mental understanding, awareness, or activity). "poetical", are you now claiming that one could find a "poetical idea" in your piece? If so, where does it appear?
By the way, I did not ask WHY there is a "poetical idea" in your piece. I asked whether and where it contained any.
So once again, you have misread what I wrote and failed to answer what I asked of you.
By the way, I did not ask WHY there is a "poetical idea" in your piece. I asked whether and where it contained any.
So once again, you have misread what I wrote and failed to answer what I asked of you.
0
Re. WHAT CAN BE DONE?
I have an idea for a poem.
But the problem that’s here
is the fact that unless
it’s something expressed
upon a page
in words well set out
to be metrical
and lines that are full of evocative
sensory images,
it’s a bodiless, vacuous ghost,
and by nature wholly unclear
that it is, or can be, poetical.
But the problem that’s here
is the fact that unless
it’s something expressed
upon a page
in words well set out
to be metrical
and lines that are full of evocative
sensory images,
it’s a bodiless, vacuous ghost,
and by nature wholly unclear
that it is, or can be, poetical.
0