A mother’s love never falters...

My heart shatters time & time again when I navigate my way through her sustained psychological distress, imposed upon her by a random through no fault of her own.  
 
Childhood trauma is challenging to process, and supporting a suicidal, distressed, hormonal, unpredictable & impulsive adolescent with underlying trauma has made me think about my own existence.
 
There are days when I wondered if I can keep going but there’s a reason my first born was gifted to me as he keeps me balanced when I’m on the cusp of giving up.  
 
I can’t bring myself to be so selfish and terminate my life as neither of them would ever forgive me for doing such a thing though the thought crossed my mind more times than oft in the last year or so.  
 
Whilst my son will be 20 later this year, I still remember him as my little ray of sonshine, and when I feel submerged in the depth of an unexplainable sadness, which is more oft than not over not being able to protect my daughter from a predator, he keeps me afloat.
 
He reminds me I’m not a failure though I feel like I failed her, and with weekly sessions of therapy, I’ll learn to abstain from committing homicide by tracking down her offender, and torturing him.  
 
The therapist tells me that it’s normal to feel that way but to consider the loss to both my children before doing something I may regret, and the day I follow through on such will be if I lose my girl to suicide.  
 
I feel like I’ve been waiting at a stop sign, in idle just contemplating throwing my career away if I lose my girl to suicide.  
 
God knows those thoughts have crossed my mind on a daily basis, and I wait each day for the day the prosecutor calls me to say he’s reoffended against another vulnerable so they can also charge him with what he did to her, and be held accountable for his crime.
 
Her resilience and strength is emerging, and whilst she doesn’t know I cry myself to sleep sometimes, I pray that she’ll become a survivor as she’s a fighter too.  
 
Sadly, some of us are victims of childhood trauma, and we make a conscious choice to accept that we’re a victim of such, or a survivor.
 
I became the latter as my glass is always half full, these days.  
 
I pray that we’ve been through the worst and that things will get better as I’m not strong enough to bury a child, or live with the loss of my daughter even though the light and spark she once had has been drawn from her eyes.

It’s still there, and I get a glimpse of it, sometimes.
 
No one knows what it’s like to be on suicide watch when your child is psychologically distressed and impulsive, by default.
 
No one understands the distress at witnessing your child in a state of psychological distress, knowing that a hug isn’t going to erase the PTSD, and the ongoing pain she feels when she’s navigating her way through the distress and anxiety of the flashbacks.  

I get it, and I understand but she doesn’t know that I’ve been there in the same place as she too.
 
I’m glad my son isn’t going through this with us as there’s no way he’d be able to cope with his tertiary studies but he’s doing good, and I abstain from filling him in on all the times we’ve been in the ED as a result of the suicidal ideation and the self harm that comes with that.
 
I hate the hospital but it’s been a safe haven with 24/7 staffing so my daughter can be adequately supported, when necessary.  
 
Her consultant in the hospital has helped her more than any other clinician that’s been involved in her care; he’s a fair man with a gift for sensing her distress and aiding her in her time of need.  
 
I’m thankful for his unwavering faith in me when her treating clinician tried to undermine me, and label me a bad parent for seeking hospitalisation and clinical interventions but when your child is actively seeking to suicide to ease her internal pain, I won’t apologise for merely trying to keep her alive.
 
He instructed me to ditch her treating consultant post discharge, and to ring or text him if I need anything in relation to my daughters ongoing care whilst I seek a private consultant to manage her ongoing treatment plan, in the community.  
 
Whilst there are days I feel exhausted, I persevere as I know no other way, and when my son reaches out to me when I feel like I’m on the cusp of giving up, it keeps me going.  
 
The bond we have with each of our children is unique but the love I have for both of mine sustains me, and I’m glad I never compromised anyone else by engaging them in a relationship whilst I need to be channeling all my love, care and support towards them to enable them to both flourish.
 
A mother’s role is never easy, when there are complexities as such but without work, study, a few close friends and little reminders from your children, it’s manageable.
 
I keep reminding myself that my time will come, when I can find a companion that’s able to nourish me, and keep me content, as I do for him.  
 
Evidently, I’m still able to thrive in the midst of organised chaos with gentle reminders that everything will be OK; one day...🙏