I did this myself

It's hard to find the words that I'd like to express
Short breath reaching for air compressed in my chest
I'm so sick and tired of trying to do my best
Just giving up so when I'm gone your mind can finally rest
The possibility of something came from nothing
Nothing waits in darkness and its silently judging
Words keep punching me and holding me down
Kicked in the side crushing me as and I drown
Years of resent , love and hate
To fall in cave I made mistakes
Stuck to shadows to keep out the crowds
Aligned to the gallows , the talking just shrouds
Alcohol fueled words late at night, I can't take back
It's not the words I regret but the timing I cracked
I should have stayed silent
I should have understood
My selfishness consuming
And i misunderstood
I've used the term I love you way to loosely in the past
Believe me I learnt my lesson I'll never say it again
Relationships seem to have moved way to fast
But I realise my feelings were floored they were just in my head
I'm only getting older
I'm only getting colder
My care factor is zero
Weight off my shoulders
I could have been your hero
I could have held your hand
I'm just not good enough
And now I understand